The big news.

I left the testing center with questions unanswered. If I was negative, what caused my illness a few weeks ago. I was unconvinced about the result, and I was bent on taking another test after the three month window period has lapsed.

So, in the weeks that followed, I tried living a normal life. Only that, life didn't seem normal anymore.

As days passed, more symptoms presented themselves. I had recurring sore throat, I had oral infections,  I had sweaty (as in dripping wet sweaty) nights, and lost a lot of weight (from 74kg before I was infected, I was 67kg in March). I was no stranger to the symptoms of HIV infection: I've read them all. And I am absolutely convinced I have been infected.

Last week of March, the three-month window period has lapsed. It was time for me to get another test. I've been planning about the test when by some eerie coincidence, I got a series of text messages and missed calls from the guy I had sex with in December. He was asking, "Kelan ka nagkasakit? (When did you get sick?)" When I was able to respond, he told me a disturbing news: his former sex partner tested positive and asked him to get tested. He said he's been crying a lot and was afraid. I consoled him and told him that we should get tested immediately the following day.

So we did. I went to Manila Social Hygiene Clinic, and he went to a private clinic in Makati. The doctor recognized me and asked, "Dati ka na di ba?". Haha. Yes, Doc. I reminded here that I got tested in January, I was non-reactive, but would like to undergo another test to confirm.

It was difficult to explain how I was feeling that day. The symptoms I experienced, the bareback sex, and the news about another guy testing positive: the signs were all too compelling for me to be too hopeful.

After the doctor came back with the result, the look on her worried face gave me broke the news to me even before she opened her mouth. And then she said it, "Reactive ka na."

Others would have cried after hearing that. Believe it or not, I felt a sign of relief -- I got confirmation of something that I already knew all along. It doesn't mean I didn't feel sad. I did. A little maybe.

The doctor later on told me that they will send my blood to San Lazaro for a confirmatory test and that it will take three weeks for the result to come in. I asked her what are the chances it will turn out false positive. She said the possibility is slim, because I was high risk.

I told the guy about my result. He said, his was the same. He said sorry. I told him no need to say sorry, we're both victims of this disease. I never felt anger. At the end of the day, it was also my fault for not properly protecting myself. He didn't force me to have bareback sex. I agreed to it.

So I went home, feeling a little lonely, with a lot of questions in my mind. What will happen to me? My career? My family? Will I die soon? Will I need to stop working? Should I tell my family? Who do I tell? Where do I find treatment?

I arrived home still confused, but I pretended to smile. I went to my room and slept.

The following day, I felt better. It's like waking up to a new life.

The signs.

Life went on as usual after that casual encounter. As it was nearing Christmas, I was busy. Everyday, there are activities going around to fill your day. I went out to dinner with friends almost every night. I accepted invitations to run a few rounds at a local university campus. I still went to the gym regularly, although I didn't see him in the days that went by. He wasn't a regular of that gym after all.

It has been ten days since that casual encounter. With everything going on around, I got a bit tired and needed to relax. So I went to a spa with a friend. After the massage, I went home and slept. The following morning, I woke up not feeling well. I'm having fever, and my body is aching all over. Had I stretched my body too much? I have been running three consecutive days before that, and been going to the gym regularly. I must be tired, and I feel tired. So I rested the whole day, hoping that I'd feel better in the afternoon. But the fever didn't go away.

I started taking ibuprofen and paracetamol for the the muscle pain and fever, but they didn't seem to work. The fever would go away for a while and come back again, and my muscles are sore. When my lymph nodes began to swell, I knew something was not right. I have an infection.

Five straight days I had non-stop fever, aching muscle, diarrhoea, sore throat and swollen lymph nodes. I've never been this sick before, and at the back of my mind I look back at that bare encounter and ask myself, could this be it?

After the fever has subsided I went to the doctor for a checkup. I wanted to know what was happening to me. Dengue fever was in season, and I was actually hoping that it's what I have. After a series of tests, my doctor couldn't tell. She just told me it could be flu that will go away on its own.

I did get better as the days passed. My muscles weren't sore anymore, and I had no more fever, but my lymph nodes were still swollen. I also developed rashes that looked like insect bites and when I showed it to my doctor, she said it's not how Dengue fever rashes looked like.

Since the doctor couldn't tell what my illness was, I decided to get an HIV test. I had it at the Manila Social Hygiene Clinic in Quiricada St., Manila, just in front of the San Lazaro Hospital. This isn't my first time to get tested so I wasn't afraid. I already knew the procedure and I knew what to expect. I knew that there will be a pre-extraction counselling, and post-extraction counselling. The doctor who talked to me was very motherly and she talked to me very casually. She made sure I felt comfortable. I talked about the casual encounter just a few weeks ago, and the illness I had after. She told me that the result might not be accurate this early after the last encounter, and she suggested I have another test after a three-month window period should I test negative.

After the pre-counselling session, she referred me to the lab to get my blood extracted. The lab was just one level below the counselling room, and it was over within a minute. So I went back to the counselling area and waited there. After fifteen minutes, the doctor called me and showed me the result: non-reactive.

There was a sigh of relief. But I knew I couldn't be certain until I had another test after the three month window period has passed.

On the way home, I called him up. I told him about the test and encouraged him to take it as well. He didn't take my suggestion well. He said, I was non-reactive, so why should he take it? He's not feeling sick after all.

Being the diplomatic person I was, I didn't force him to do it. So I went home, still uncertain, with so many questions in mind. But if there is one thing that I was certain of that day, I was certain that I was not HIV-positive, not yet.