Happy holidays!

It's New Year's eve, and in less than 12 hours, it will be 2013! How time flies...

Around this time last year, I was sick. I was having signs of HIV infection, and what should've been a season of parties, get-togethers, movie-watching and shopping was spent mostly at home in bed or at the clinic where the doctor couldn't tell exactly what's wrong except that what I have is something viral and that it was viral and it will go away on its own. (Of course she was right that it was viral, but how I wish she was right on her second remark.)

This year, I'm still sick. But I'm not ridden in bed anymore: I was able to attend christmas parties, I spent noche buena with a guy I'm dating, I treated my parents to a buffet dinner on Christmas Day, and I went to watch Sisterakas with S and my date last Saturday. Everything seem normal and I'm quite happy...

You read that right: I'm dating!

Let's call him J. I met him in RITM on December 12, the same day I got admitted for another blood transfusion. I went to RITM that day for another CBC to see how my hemoglobin count is doing. I went down to ARG to register, and there I saw him: a guy with cute smile chatting with another guy.

I kept looking at him not only because he had a cute smile, but I can't help but notice how clear his skin was. He's not artista-flawless, he's actually moreno. But if you visit RITM as often as I do, you'd observe that having clear skin is uncommon for HIV patients, either as a result of various HIV-related skin disorders or as a side effect of ARVs. (I myself have marks left by herpes zoster on my left arm, but it's barely visible now).

I bumped into him several times, but I wasn't the type who would initiate a conversation. There was one time I was sitting on a bench along the hallway when he passed by on the way to the clinic. I gave him a smile, and he smiled back! I thought that would be the start of a conversation, but he went past me and headed straight to the clinic. I thought, di siguro ako type.

When he got out of the clinic he was with two other guys. They sat in the same bench I was in, and started talking. It seemed to me the three of them knew each other for a long time already. The noise made me feel uncomfortable so I decided to go inside the clinic to ask if my CBC result is already in. Unfortunately it wasn't yet. The staff nurses noticed that my lips were very pale and hinted, I might need another blood transfusion. But that's something I was already prepared for.

When I got out of the clinic, one guy was just outside the door. I recognized him as J's friend. He asked for my number. I didn't know if it was him asking for my number or if it was J, pero di na ko nagpakipot pa, bigay agad! :)

The rest was history. A few moments later we were texting. I found out they've already left and having lunch at SM Southmall. I told him I was still waiting for my CBC and that if worse came to worst, I'd be there longer for the blood transfusion. He told me he'd go back to RITM later that day to meet other friends and see me also.

I got the CBC result a few hours later -- it was 62, the lowest I ever got. No wonder my head was throbbing like crazy and everywhere looks so bright! I called up S and told him about the result. He offered to be my bantay that night. How sweet. :)

Before the clinic closed, J, true to his words, arrived. He introduced me to L and to K, his newbie friends. I was already in the emergency room that time, waiting for a room to be vacated. J, K and L all stayed with me throughout and watched as the nurses and doctors tried to stick pink-gauge needle into veins. After 5 unsuccessful attempts, they thought I needed a break. J, K and L had to leave because J had to work, but he said if he has time he will come back to become my bantay.

I've only known J for a few hours, yet I felt like I've know him for a long time already. Magaan ang loob ko sa kanya, and I felt like he's a guy worth dating. When S arrived, I told him about J and he said he's happy for me. (Yey, may approval na agad si J! Hehe)

We continued to text while I was in the hospital. After I got discharged, we saw each other again for a movie date in Trinoma on December 19th. We saw each other again on Christmas Eve and I spent noche buena with his family. We watched Sisterakas with S last Saturday, and we stayed at S place for the night.

I feel good. I never felt this good in such a long time. Sometimes I even forget that I'm sick.

We'll see each other again in January 3. Haay, I can feel that 2013 will be good to me. Please, be good to me! :)

Happy New Year everyone! :)

A blessed Sunday.

Today, I woke up early to go to church, as many others did. But while many woke up to take part of a traditional Simbang Gabi, I woke up with a stronger purpose: to give thanks to Him.

Yesterday, I was discharged from the hospital. It has been my third hospitalization in two months. I was there since wednesday. It was the usual story: my hemoglobin got low to 62 so I would need blood transfusion. On thursday the week before it was 74. I was transfused with three bags of blood, it should've been four if not for the constrain in blood supply at DOH. I left the hospital with a hemoglobin count of 88 -- still low, but i'd rather not wait indefinitely for bags of blood that may or may not be available.

So what am I thanking Him for? I'm obviously in bad shape. I look awfully pale. My social life, love life and sex life, they are in a complete hiatus. I can't work. I can't do the things I would normally do.

But there are lots to be thankful for.

I thank Him for RITM, its doctors, nurses and staff. They are a true blessing to me. I have never received such level of service, compassion and genuine care from any other health service provider, public or private. The service I receive is such a pleasure that it's very easy to forget that RITM is a public hospital.

I thank Him for the numerous free health services. Compared to other chronic illnesses like diabetes, hypertension, renal failure, etc., HIV is easy on the wallet in the Philippines because of the availability of free drugs, free lab tests, and free doctor consultation.

I thank Him for new friends, both virtual and real-life, who give me the support and inspiration I need. I thank Him especially for S, my adorable friend who has been there for me all the time. He has no idea how much inspiration he gives me.

I thank Him for taking care of my family. I'm thankful that my family is intact, and despite some difficult times, we continue to be a happy family.

I thank Him for giving me the courage and strength to live on, for without it I would've faltered and dwindled to depression.

And finally, I thank Him for this second chance in life. I have not been a perfect son, and I've succumbed to my weaknesses. With His help, may I become a better person.

A year later.

It just dawned to me that yesterday was exactly 1 year after the sex that gave me HIV. I wonder how the guy was? This may sound weird, but I hope he's still alive.

So how am I doing a year after that crazy drunken sex? Mostly in bed, suffering from anemia. At this time last year I was buffed up, I can lift more than my body weight on a bench press. I miss those days. Now I can hardly climb the stairs without feeling light-headed.

It's mind-boggling how one night of seemingly casual fun can greatly alter one's life. It never crossed my mind that night that a year later, I'd end up like this.

Was there regret? I don't know. It's not like regretting any can change things back to the way they were. But were there lessons learned? A lot.

Is this a curse for giving in to fleshly temptation? Or is this a blessing in the form of lessons learned and renewed appreciation of life? I still don't have the answers. At the moment I am still trying to make out what happened to me the past year. I am still uncertain of my future. The optimist in me says everything will be ok, I'll be fine and things will be back to normal. The other side of me says yeah right.

I wonder what will happen to me next year? Where will I be? Will I be ok? Will I still be alive? Will I be cured? Will I have a partner? Will my family and friends know about me? Will I be happy? Or miserable?

There's an infinite number of possibilities. But as the saying goes, who you are in the future depends on the choices you make today. I made a poor choice a year ago, but it's not too late to make good choices for next year and the years to come.