Celebration

Today, I celebrate. My hemoglobin is back within normal range at 143 and my direct Coombs Test is negative. I'm officially back to normal, anemia case closed. :)

I would like to thank EVERYONE who has been there for me during this most challenging period of my life.

To S: thank you for being there when no one else is. I cannot emphasize how much you have inspired me and how much I value our friendship.

To my primary doctor, Dr. Pasayan of RITM: Salamat sa pag-aalaga. I feel spoiled. As in. :)

To my hematologist Dra. Catli of PGH: thank you very much! You may not be able to read this but my deepest gratitude to you.

To Ate Ellen of RITM: the kindess and concern you show your patients is what makes you an institution. You're like a second mother to me na. :)

To the RITM nurses who took care of me the four times I got confined: I may not know all of your names, and some of you may no longer be with RITM, but you guys are the best!

To the RITM clinical lab: you know my code so well already. :) Thank you for the assistance in finding me blood.

To my online friends: thank you for the support, you gave me strength when i need it.

To those who visited me during my hospitalization: thank you, I really appreciate it! Sa mga nagdala ng pagkain, salamat! :)

To J: you saw me through my worst. You'll have me at my best. I'm the luckiest person to have you.

To my family: I know I've kept you in the dark and that pains me. Hopefully I'll find the courage to tell you soon. Thank you for all the love and support.

To the Lord: You've given me the most precious gift, the gift of good health. You are good, all the time. All praise to You!

March 1

Sorry for the long hiatus, I've been quite busy and was unable to update my blog. I've been doing well and my anemia has improved. My doctor has consulted with a hematologist and apparently the term for my condition is autoimmune hemolytic anemia (AIHA). I've been taking prednisone and it worked. More about AIHA on my next post.

My hemoglobin is 'almost' back to normal. Today, I will hit the gym after not lifting a single dumbell in 6months (the last time I was in the gym was in September). Wait for me, I'll bring sexy back.

Frustrated.

It's been three months since I stopped zidovudine but my anemia hasn't been resolved. I had another CBC last friday and my hemoglobin went down again to 63. Now I need another blood transfusion.

Why does my anemia persist despite having stopped zidovudine? Perhaps it's not zidovudine that caused my anemia? Could it have been co-trimoxazole? Or isoniazid? Or a combination of those meds?

It's frustrating me that the medicines that are supposed to keep me healthy are keeping sick. I'm treated for HIV and I get anemia in return. If I stop my prophylactic meds, I risk getting TB or pneumonia. Take one away and get something else. This is crap.

My only hope right now is to wait for my next CD4 test and hope that my CD4 count shoots up to a level where my body can defend itself against infections without prophylaxis. Until then, I need to continue with co-tri and INH.

Konting tiis pa.

Happy holidays!

It's New Year's eve, and in less than 12 hours, it will be 2013! How time flies...

Around this time last year, I was sick. I was having signs of HIV infection, and what should've been a season of parties, get-togethers, movie-watching and shopping was spent mostly at home in bed or at the clinic where the doctor couldn't tell exactly what's wrong except that what I have is something viral and that it was viral and it will go away on its own. (Of course she was right that it was viral, but how I wish she was right on her second remark.)

This year, I'm still sick. But I'm not ridden in bed anymore: I was able to attend christmas parties, I spent noche buena with a guy I'm dating, I treated my parents to a buffet dinner on Christmas Day, and I went to watch Sisterakas with S and my date last Saturday. Everything seem normal and I'm quite happy...

You read that right: I'm dating!

Let's call him J. I met him in RITM on December 12, the same day I got admitted for another blood transfusion. I went to RITM that day for another CBC to see how my hemoglobin count is doing. I went down to ARG to register, and there I saw him: a guy with cute smile chatting with another guy.

I kept looking at him not only because he had a cute smile, but I can't help but notice how clear his skin was. He's not artista-flawless, he's actually moreno. But if you visit RITM as often as I do, you'd observe that having clear skin is uncommon for HIV patients, either as a result of various HIV-related skin disorders or as a side effect of ARVs. (I myself have marks left by herpes zoster on my left arm, but it's barely visible now).

I bumped into him several times, but I wasn't the type who would initiate a conversation. There was one time I was sitting on a bench along the hallway when he passed by on the way to the clinic. I gave him a smile, and he smiled back! I thought that would be the start of a conversation, but he went past me and headed straight to the clinic. I thought, di siguro ako type.

When he got out of the clinic he was with two other guys. They sat in the same bench I was in, and started talking. It seemed to me the three of them knew each other for a long time already. The noise made me feel uncomfortable so I decided to go inside the clinic to ask if my CBC result is already in. Unfortunately it wasn't yet. The staff nurses noticed that my lips were very pale and hinted, I might need another blood transfusion. But that's something I was already prepared for.

When I got out of the clinic, one guy was just outside the door. I recognized him as J's friend. He asked for my number. I didn't know if it was him asking for my number or if it was J, pero di na ko nagpakipot pa, bigay agad! :)

The rest was history. A few moments later we were texting. I found out they've already left and having lunch at SM Southmall. I told him I was still waiting for my CBC and that if worse came to worst, I'd be there longer for the blood transfusion. He told me he'd go back to RITM later that day to meet other friends and see me also.

I got the CBC result a few hours later -- it was 62, the lowest I ever got. No wonder my head was throbbing like crazy and everywhere looks so bright! I called up S and told him about the result. He offered to be my bantay that night. How sweet. :)

Before the clinic closed, J, true to his words, arrived. He introduced me to L and to K, his newbie friends. I was already in the emergency room that time, waiting for a room to be vacated. J, K and L all stayed with me throughout and watched as the nurses and doctors tried to stick pink-gauge needle into veins. After 5 unsuccessful attempts, they thought I needed a break. J, K and L had to leave because J had to work, but he said if he has time he will come back to become my bantay.

I've only known J for a few hours, yet I felt like I've know him for a long time already. Magaan ang loob ko sa kanya, and I felt like he's a guy worth dating. When S arrived, I told him about J and he said he's happy for me. (Yey, may approval na agad si J! Hehe)

We continued to text while I was in the hospital. After I got discharged, we saw each other again for a movie date in Trinoma on December 19th. We saw each other again on Christmas Eve and I spent noche buena with his family. We watched Sisterakas with S last Saturday, and we stayed at S place for the night.

I feel good. I never felt this good in such a long time. Sometimes I even forget that I'm sick.

We'll see each other again in January 3. Haay, I can feel that 2013 will be good to me. Please, be good to me! :)

Happy New Year everyone! :)

A blessed Sunday.

Today, I woke up early to go to church, as many others did. But while many woke up to take part of a traditional Simbang Gabi, I woke up with a stronger purpose: to give thanks to Him.

Yesterday, I was discharged from the hospital. It has been my third hospitalization in two months. I was there since wednesday. It was the usual story: my hemoglobin got low to 62 so I would need blood transfusion. On thursday the week before it was 74. I was transfused with three bags of blood, it should've been four if not for the constrain in blood supply at DOH. I left the hospital with a hemoglobin count of 88 -- still low, but i'd rather not wait indefinitely for bags of blood that may or may not be available.

So what am I thanking Him for? I'm obviously in bad shape. I look awfully pale. My social life, love life and sex life, they are in a complete hiatus. I can't work. I can't do the things I would normally do.

But there are lots to be thankful for.

I thank Him for RITM, its doctors, nurses and staff. They are a true blessing to me. I have never received such level of service, compassion and genuine care from any other health service provider, public or private. The service I receive is such a pleasure that it's very easy to forget that RITM is a public hospital.

I thank Him for the numerous free health services. Compared to other chronic illnesses like diabetes, hypertension, renal failure, etc., HIV is easy on the wallet in the Philippines because of the availability of free drugs, free lab tests, and free doctor consultation.

I thank Him for new friends, both virtual and real-life, who give me the support and inspiration I need. I thank Him especially for S, my adorable friend who has been there for me all the time. He has no idea how much inspiration he gives me.

I thank Him for taking care of my family. I'm thankful that my family is intact, and despite some difficult times, we continue to be a happy family.

I thank Him for giving me the courage and strength to live on, for without it I would've faltered and dwindled to depression.

And finally, I thank Him for this second chance in life. I have not been a perfect son, and I've succumbed to my weaknesses. With His help, may I become a better person.

A year later.

It just dawned to me that yesterday was exactly 1 year after the sex that gave me HIV. I wonder how the guy was? This may sound weird, but I hope he's still alive.

So how am I doing a year after that crazy drunken sex? Mostly in bed, suffering from anemia. At this time last year I was buffed up, I can lift more than my body weight on a bench press. I miss those days. Now I can hardly climb the stairs without feeling light-headed.

It's mind-boggling how one night of seemingly casual fun can greatly alter one's life. It never crossed my mind that night that a year later, I'd end up like this.

Was there regret? I don't know. It's not like regretting any can change things back to the way they were. But were there lessons learned? A lot.

Is this a curse for giving in to fleshly temptation? Or is this a blessing in the form of lessons learned and renewed appreciation of life? I still don't have the answers. At the moment I am still trying to make out what happened to me the past year. I am still uncertain of my future. The optimist in me says everything will be ok, I'll be fine and things will be back to normal. The other side of me says yeah right.

I wonder what will happen to me next year? Where will I be? Will I be ok? Will I still be alive? Will I be cured? Will I have a partner? Will my family and friends know about me? Will I be happy? Or miserable?

There's an infinite number of possibilities. But as the saying goes, who you are in the future depends on the choices you make today. I made a poor choice a year ago, but it's not too late to make good choices for next year and the years to come.

Letter Sender 2: positiveqc

I've been exchanging messages with positiveqc and he said reading my blog was like déjà vu because almost the same things happened to him. I asked if he would like to share his story, and he was very kind to oblige:

Hi there.

Well, sometime in December 2011, I wasn’t my usual self I felt I was feeling weak all the time and when I’m in the mall I get tired from walking easily. Thought it was just age catching up on me or my lack of sleep. But then I started getting low grade fevers which I didn’t mid since once I take paracetamol the fever usually goes away. 

In January 2012, I started getting high grade fevers and felt really weak. I went to see a doctor, got an x-ray since my cough was so bad. Everything was fine and I was given antibiotics. At the same time I had pimple breakouts on my face and back. I even had to see a dermatologist so I can them injected so they would dry up and go away. My face cleared up but the fever was still there. That’s when I decided to go to the hospital. It was a late weekday afternoon I went to the ER of Med city. To cut the ER story short I was confined in the hospital. Then the tests came.

Blood was extracted, sputum was tested and cultured. New set of X-rays and more blood extraction. Was there for 2 weeks and they couldn’t find anything wrong with me. They tested me for Dengue, malaria and were even asked if I went to South Africa or some exotic country in the last few months.

Then one night an infectious disease doctor came in and asked me about my lifestyle. That’s when it all dawned on me. Ito nay un baka nga meron na ako. She asked if I was ok to take an HIV test and whole bunch of other tests related to it. 

A few days later, the CD4 results came in 1st, they were way below normal. That’s when she told me I may be positive for HIV. She asked me to stick out my tongue and saw I already hat oral thrush. I was given a new set of meds and after a few days was discharged.

I went back after a few days for the test results. It was positive. I wasn’t surprised since I was already expecting this due to low cd4 and oral thrush. I then started on my ARV’s one of which gave me anemia. And during my follow up check up my doctor saw me and told me she needs to confine me since I look terrible. 

During my confinement more blood was taken and the results I had low RBC. They almost gave me a transfusion but decided to give me iron supplements instead. During this time the fever was still there.

My doctor changed my ARV cocktail and for months I felt like throwing up all the time. Para akong buntis. I still have occasional fevers mainly because I was also diagnosed to have TB of the lymph nodes. My oral thrush is gone but once a day around 5pm, I feel feverish and weak until about 9pm.

Last august I took my 2nd cd4 test and from a low of 11 it’s now at 81. Hopefully by December it has gone up to more than a hundred.

And that’s my story.