It's been almost a month since J and I broke up. I tried to act cool about it, and truth is, we still see each other once in a while and remain friends. But when you go home to an empty apartment and sleep alone in a queen-sized bed, the loneliness is magnified to become as big as the void.
The past few weeks I've done nothing more than eat and sleep. Nothing seem to interest me. I meet a few people out, but nothing I do and no one I meet seem able to fill the emptiness.
S has been keeping me company ever since. We're like pseudo-partners. He's been more of a partner to me than J ever has, but at the same time, he is a partner I can never truly have. Now, he is far away. And for some reason he is not returning my texts. I confide everything to him, and now that he's nowhere near, I feel alone.
I told myself that I was given a second chance at life and I should not live it in anger or hate or sadness or fear or envy. I'm not angry, nor hateful, nor fearful, nor envious. But how how do you take away sadness?
Gaaahd, I just wanna get through this.
sadness is that other blanket you have in the closet...
ReplyDeletethe one you don't use on a cold night because it's thin. keeps you company, without the comfort.
Another friend told me it's what makes us human... True, but I still blame it on prednisone. :)
Deletesomewhere, out there, someone will come.
Deletesomeday, some way, all your sadness will be gone.
Cheer up baby boy, your a BIG BOY now... ^_____^
to my mind what I believe how you can turn your sadness into joy is when you know that you are able to save one soul from experiencing the same. I do believe that you have made and touched other people's life because of the strength you did not deprive us to share. You are so strong that you try to reach out despite of and in spite of your situation.
DeleteI am so tounged-tied, actually in awe after reading your blog from the start. Now I am concerned about myself. what I am convincing myself now is to learn from somebody's experiences before its too late. Just recently I had an unprotected oral sex (MSM). And then I happened to encounter your profile at PR. I don't know if this is timely, a wake-up call or something for me to take seriously. Now I am begging for your advice. Is this fate telling me "hey you better watch out." I'm such an addict for S....E....X. I'm still trying to figure out what to say at this moment but what I really want to say is to thank you for sharing your experience. I hope your concern will NOT fall on deaf ears. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
ReplyDeleteHello. I'm sorry for the very late reply. How are you now?
DeleteSex is a wonderful thing that should be enjoyed by everyone, regardless of serostatus. I you believe you are addicted to sex, that's totally fine. I guess many of us are, at one point in our lives. Just be a responsible partner, practice safe sex. :)