Happy holidays!

It's New Year's eve, and in less than 12 hours, it will be 2013! How time flies...

Around this time last year, I was sick. I was having signs of HIV infection, and what should've been a season of parties, get-togethers, movie-watching and shopping was spent mostly at home in bed or at the clinic where the doctor couldn't tell exactly what's wrong except that what I have is something viral and that it was viral and it will go away on its own. (Of course she was right that it was viral, but how I wish she was right on her second remark.)

This year, I'm still sick. But I'm not ridden in bed anymore: I was able to attend christmas parties, I spent noche buena with a guy I'm dating, I treated my parents to a buffet dinner on Christmas Day, and I went to watch Sisterakas with S and my date last Saturday. Everything seem normal and I'm quite happy...

You read that right: I'm dating!

Let's call him J. I met him in RITM on December 12, the same day I got admitted for another blood transfusion. I went to RITM that day for another CBC to see how my hemoglobin count is doing. I went down to ARG to register, and there I saw him: a guy with cute smile chatting with another guy.

I kept looking at him not only because he had a cute smile, but I can't help but notice how clear his skin was. He's not artista-flawless, he's actually moreno. But if you visit RITM as often as I do, you'd observe that having clear skin is uncommon for HIV patients, either as a result of various HIV-related skin disorders or as a side effect of ARVs. (I myself have marks left by herpes zoster on my left arm, but it's barely visible now).

I bumped into him several times, but I wasn't the type who would initiate a conversation. There was one time I was sitting on a bench along the hallway when he passed by on the way to the clinic. I gave him a smile, and he smiled back! I thought that would be the start of a conversation, but he went past me and headed straight to the clinic. I thought, di siguro ako type.

When he got out of the clinic he was with two other guys. They sat in the same bench I was in, and started talking. It seemed to me the three of them knew each other for a long time already. The noise made me feel uncomfortable so I decided to go inside the clinic to ask if my CBC result is already in. Unfortunately it wasn't yet. The staff nurses noticed that my lips were very pale and hinted, I might need another blood transfusion. But that's something I was already prepared for.

When I got out of the clinic, one guy was just outside the door. I recognized him as J's friend. He asked for my number. I didn't know if it was him asking for my number or if it was J, pero di na ko nagpakipot pa, bigay agad! :)

The rest was history. A few moments later we were texting. I found out they've already left and having lunch at SM Southmall. I told him I was still waiting for my CBC and that if worse came to worst, I'd be there longer for the blood transfusion. He told me he'd go back to RITM later that day to meet other friends and see me also.

I got the CBC result a few hours later -- it was 62, the lowest I ever got. No wonder my head was throbbing like crazy and everywhere looks so bright! I called up S and told him about the result. He offered to be my bantay that night. How sweet. :)

Before the clinic closed, J, true to his words, arrived. He introduced me to L and to K, his newbie friends. I was already in the emergency room that time, waiting for a room to be vacated. J, K and L all stayed with me throughout and watched as the nurses and doctors tried to stick pink-gauge needle into veins. After 5 unsuccessful attempts, they thought I needed a break. J, K and L had to leave because J had to work, but he said if he has time he will come back to become my bantay.

I've only known J for a few hours, yet I felt like I've know him for a long time already. Magaan ang loob ko sa kanya, and I felt like he's a guy worth dating. When S arrived, I told him about J and he said he's happy for me. (Yey, may approval na agad si J! Hehe)

We continued to text while I was in the hospital. After I got discharged, we saw each other again for a movie date in Trinoma on December 19th. We saw each other again on Christmas Eve and I spent noche buena with his family. We watched Sisterakas with S last Saturday, and we stayed at S place for the night.

I feel good. I never felt this good in such a long time. Sometimes I even forget that I'm sick.

We'll see each other again in January 3. Haay, I can feel that 2013 will be good to me. Please, be good to me! :)

Happy New Year everyone! :)

A blessed Sunday.

Today, I woke up early to go to church, as many others did. But while many woke up to take part of a traditional Simbang Gabi, I woke up with a stronger purpose: to give thanks to Him.

Yesterday, I was discharged from the hospital. It has been my third hospitalization in two months. I was there since wednesday. It was the usual story: my hemoglobin got low to 62 so I would need blood transfusion. On thursday the week before it was 74. I was transfused with three bags of blood, it should've been four if not for the constrain in blood supply at DOH. I left the hospital with a hemoglobin count of 88 -- still low, but i'd rather not wait indefinitely for bags of blood that may or may not be available.

So what am I thanking Him for? I'm obviously in bad shape. I look awfully pale. My social life, love life and sex life, they are in a complete hiatus. I can't work. I can't do the things I would normally do.

But there are lots to be thankful for.

I thank Him for RITM, its doctors, nurses and staff. They are a true blessing to me. I have never received such level of service, compassion and genuine care from any other health service provider, public or private. The service I receive is such a pleasure that it's very easy to forget that RITM is a public hospital.

I thank Him for the numerous free health services. Compared to other chronic illnesses like diabetes, hypertension, renal failure, etc., HIV is easy on the wallet in the Philippines because of the availability of free drugs, free lab tests, and free doctor consultation.

I thank Him for new friends, both virtual and real-life, who give me the support and inspiration I need. I thank Him especially for S, my adorable friend who has been there for me all the time. He has no idea how much inspiration he gives me.

I thank Him for taking care of my family. I'm thankful that my family is intact, and despite some difficult times, we continue to be a happy family.

I thank Him for giving me the courage and strength to live on, for without it I would've faltered and dwindled to depression.

And finally, I thank Him for this second chance in life. I have not been a perfect son, and I've succumbed to my weaknesses. With His help, may I become a better person.

A year later.

It just dawned to me that yesterday was exactly 1 year after the sex that gave me HIV. I wonder how the guy was? This may sound weird, but I hope he's still alive.

So how am I doing a year after that crazy drunken sex? Mostly in bed, suffering from anemia. At this time last year I was buffed up, I can lift more than my body weight on a bench press. I miss those days. Now I can hardly climb the stairs without feeling light-headed.

It's mind-boggling how one night of seemingly casual fun can greatly alter one's life. It never crossed my mind that night that a year later, I'd end up like this.

Was there regret? I don't know. It's not like regretting any can change things back to the way they were. But were there lessons learned? A lot.

Is this a curse for giving in to fleshly temptation? Or is this a blessing in the form of lessons learned and renewed appreciation of life? I still don't have the answers. At the moment I am still trying to make out what happened to me the past year. I am still uncertain of my future. The optimist in me says everything will be ok, I'll be fine and things will be back to normal. The other side of me says yeah right.

I wonder what will happen to me next year? Where will I be? Will I be ok? Will I still be alive? Will I be cured? Will I have a partner? Will my family and friends know about me? Will I be happy? Or miserable?

There's an infinite number of possibilities. But as the saying goes, who you are in the future depends on the choices you make today. I made a poor choice a year ago, but it's not too late to make good choices for next year and the years to come.

Letter Sender 2: positiveqc

I've been exchanging messages with positiveqc and he said reading my blog was like déjà vu because almost the same things happened to him. I asked if he would like to share his story, and he was very kind to oblige:

Hi there.

Well, sometime in December 2011, I wasn’t my usual self I felt I was feeling weak all the time and when I’m in the mall I get tired from walking easily. Thought it was just age catching up on me or my lack of sleep. But then I started getting low grade fevers which I didn’t mid since once I take paracetamol the fever usually goes away. 

In January 2012, I started getting high grade fevers and felt really weak. I went to see a doctor, got an x-ray since my cough was so bad. Everything was fine and I was given antibiotics. At the same time I had pimple breakouts on my face and back. I even had to see a dermatologist so I can them injected so they would dry up and go away. My face cleared up but the fever was still there. That’s when I decided to go to the hospital. It was a late weekday afternoon I went to the ER of Med city. To cut the ER story short I was confined in the hospital. Then the tests came.

Blood was extracted, sputum was tested and cultured. New set of X-rays and more blood extraction. Was there for 2 weeks and they couldn’t find anything wrong with me. They tested me for Dengue, malaria and were even asked if I went to South Africa or some exotic country in the last few months.

Then one night an infectious disease doctor came in and asked me about my lifestyle. That’s when it all dawned on me. Ito nay un baka nga meron na ako. She asked if I was ok to take an HIV test and whole bunch of other tests related to it. 

A few days later, the CD4 results came in 1st, they were way below normal. That’s when she told me I may be positive for HIV. She asked me to stick out my tongue and saw I already hat oral thrush. I was given a new set of meds and after a few days was discharged.

I went back after a few days for the test results. It was positive. I wasn’t surprised since I was already expecting this due to low cd4 and oral thrush. I then started on my ARV’s one of which gave me anemia. And during my follow up check up my doctor saw me and told me she needs to confine me since I look terrible. 

During my confinement more blood was taken and the results I had low RBC. They almost gave me a transfusion but decided to give me iron supplements instead. During this time the fever was still there.

My doctor changed my ARV cocktail and for months I felt like throwing up all the time. Para akong buntis. I still have occasional fevers mainly because I was also diagnosed to have TB of the lymph nodes. My oral thrush is gone but once a day around 5pm, I feel feverish and weak until about 9pm.

Last august I took my 2nd cd4 test and from a low of 11 it’s now at 81. Hopefully by December it has gone up to more than a hundred.

And that’s my story.

Manila Social Hygiene Clinic

I went back to the Manila Social Hygiene Clinic Wednesday last week to accompany a a friend I met online. Let's call him K. He's from Pasig and he doesn't know where to get tested, so I suggested we go to MSHC.

We met at LRT Roosevelt Station and took the train going to Tayuman. (As a sidenote, there's a social hygiene clinic in Project 7 that's walking distance from LRT Roosevelt. I've had my first ever test there on September 13, 2011. The result was non-reactive. But i prefer MSHC because I had a much more pleasurable experience there.) The ride to Tayuman was quick. I engaged K in a casual conversation to relax the atmosphere. I didn't feel any sign of worry or anxiety from him, but I made sure he's comfortable nonetheless.

We arrived Tayuman and walked southbound. We passed by the Department of Health (DOH) compound, which is where I presume my dad took my blood bags from during my previous transfusions, and after that passed by Jose R. Reyes Memorial Hospital (JRMH), and turned right at Quiricada Street. Just 50meters away from the intersection is San Lazaro Hospital (SLH), which is really just behind JRMH. SLH is one of the three treatment hubs for HIV patients in Metro Manila, but it is more popular as a hospital for treating animal bites and rabies. The other two are the Philippine General Hospital (PGH) in Padre Faura, Manila, and Research Institute for Tropical Medicine (RITM) in Alabang, Muntinlupa.

Right across SLH is the Manila Social Hygiene Clinic. We arrived there 11:50am, and it was lunchbreak, so I just gave him a tour around. Upon entering the gate, we went straight to a door at the side of the building with stairs going up. The second floor is where Dra. Mendoza holds office. I showed K the doctor's office and showed him the way to the laboratory where his blood will be taken later. The lab is at the first floor.


View Social Hygiene Clinics in a larger map

After the tour, we walked to SM Tayuman to kill some time before the clinic reopens. I told him about my experiences when I was having my tests and told him not to worry because Dra. Mendoza is a very pleasant lady. I told him her interview is quick and informal, in contrast with the one I had in Project 7 which was very thorough and took me half an hour to finish.

Around 1pm, we decided to go back to the clinic. Reaching the gate, I told him I'd wait for him at Jollibee in LRT Tayuman and wished him goodluck.

I had lunch while waiting for him. I craved for burger so I had a Champ meal, and had an extra Chicken and Mushroom pasta. While I was eating, he texted me the doctor was still not in. I felt sorry for him because although he doesn't admit it, the extra waiting time is a killer. I already finished my meal and he said the doctor is still not in because she went somewhere but will be back at 2pm. He said he'll wait.

I texted him again after several minutes and he said he's just waiting for the result. I thought, the interview was quick! I was composing my next message to him when he tapped me at the back. He showed me the result: Non-Reactive! :)

To K, I'm happy for you. I hope you take the result as a blessing that should not be taken for granted. Health is wealth, and i hope you stay healthy all through your life. :)

Manila Social Hygiene Clinic is open for free screening of HIV and other sexually transmitted infections on Mondays thru Thursdays, 8-11am and 1-3pm, and Fridays 8-11am only.

Home.

Finally discharged yesterday afternoon after finishing my fourth bag in the morning. My post-BT hemoglobin count is 98. (Ugh, when will it reach 3-digits? Hehe.)

My next visit to RITM will be on December 10, which coincides with my ARV refill schedule. S, who also got a CBC last Tuesday with me and was finally normal after 3 months of anemia, told me to rest. That's what he did, so I will. I promise I won't be stubborn anymore and will follow everyone's advise, the sane ones at least. I don't want to get a third booking at the hospital.

Letter Sender 1: #28

My own survival story

Hello there! Just call me #28. I'm an HIV+ since January 12, 2012.

I first saw you on Planet Romeo and I got interested and amazed about you looking for same who are HIV+ which in my case, although I heart-warmingly accepted my condition, wouldn't want to flaunt it over social sites. I also followed your blog link and I've read your articles from October to now.

What I've read brought me back all the feelings I also had then. Please allow me to share my own survival story.

The Symptoms

I got the virus through heterosexual encounter. the first symptom that I got wash allergy-like rashes on my skin, that was in July 2011. While I was about to go home from work, I felt this itching sensation at my back, I thought some mosquitoes bit me but I doubt coz our office is very strict on pest and insect killing activities. On the fx I just felt im hot and just ignored it. We I came at our rented unit, I took off my barong and shirt and was surprised about these map-like reddish rashes all over my body. I got frightened and immediately called my friend to accompany me for a consultation at UST Hospital. We went there like 8:00pm and the nurse advised me to take an anti-histamine for 5 days, 3x a day. I did it but only for a day since I noticed that the rashes are gone.

October 2011, I got a flu-like illness that went for 3 days. But what frightened me is that I couldn't breathe normally. I felt that each day, I easily get tired walking and easily catching my breath even for only a two meter walk. My colleague also noticed that I can no longer laugh out laud and get tired easily. She told me to file a sick-leave and have a check-up which I did.

I called my sister to accompany me to UST for a check-up. They did the x-ray and they have diagnosed that I have TB! then I went to their cardio and told him about my fast heart-beat, he said I have Arrythmia (irregular heart beat). My sister and I decided to have a second opinion at St. Luke's. The next morning we went to St. Lukes and had some consultation. On that day, my skin is turning from fair to purple color. My finger nail went so dark and I can even step a foot cause Im catching my breath and I get tired immediately. The cardio wanted me to have a 2D Echo and ECG and be back the next day but I refused. I told him to admit me immediately coz I feel like Im not gonna make it the next day so he admitted me and had me confined.

During my confinement, the tests results revealed that I have ONLY pneumonia not TB, but, i also was diagnosed of viral Cardiomyocarditis or viral Cardiomyopathy (weak heart muscle) which causes me to have shortened breath and fatigue. They took care of me and after a week, i was discharged.

November 2011, I had fever and what looks like red dots on my skin. I submitted a sick leave request and told my boss that maybe my Cardio-related illness is coming back. My mom and I went to my aunt in Cavite to rest so they can take care of me while im sick. Two days gone-by and the red dots spread so fast and were map-like on my neck, then chest, then on my tummy and lastly on my legs. My aunt asked my mom to take me to the nearby hospital and have me checked. When we are at the hospital, I don’t feel hot but my temperature wa 41 degrees celcius so the doctor requested for my confinement. I was then diagnosed with German Measles and Typhoid fever. I stayed there until the second week of December.

Two days after my discharge, I felt something wet and sticky on my anus. I took off my underwear and saw a greenish-like sticky liquid. I ignored it until it felt itchy. We went back to St. Luke’s and have it checked. The surgeon said I have fistula-in-ano, an anal infection which requires surgery. But I was requested to get a clearance first from my cardio since I have a heart disease. So I went to my cardio and talked to him. He was surprised to see me cause I lost weight a lot. My record shows Im 60Kg in October, my first consultation with him and now I’m 54kg in just two months. I told him about my fever, the measles and now my fistula-in-ano. Then suddenly he asked me one thing, “are you gay?”. I felt different but I honestly answered him “yes, I am”. The next think he requested me before clearing me out for my surgery is to go to an Infectious disease specialist which I did without worry or with quite a hint of what he wants me to know.

I went to my first Infectious Disease doctor at St. Luke’s. The first thing he asked me is about my gender preference and my sexual activities. I told her all about it and then she asked me to open my mouth for her to see if I have some sores. She found that I have sores but only the sores of persons infected with a dreaded virus. She politely advised me to have an HIV screening but she also told me that I’m more likely to be positive. At that instance I felt nothing, it’s just like a normal check up. She was surprised I did not took the news surprisingly. I told her that in my self, I already know what’s this will come about. I told her I already have the hint that I am infected. She said only few accept that news calmly and with acceptance so she continued with her advise. I also met with a Hematologist for blood clearance and my cardio has cleared me. My HIV screening is scheduled on the 12th of January 2012 and the surgery on the 19th of the same month.

The News

January 12, 2012 morning, I went to St. Luke’s Pathology Department and had my blood screened for HIV. In the afternoon, I got the results and no surprise it’s reactive. I met with a counselor and he told me not to be afraid, I have to disclose my case with my family as much as possible and more of consoling words. My sister which is my best friend also knew what to expect. On January 17, I got myself admitted and be prepared for the operation of my fistula on the 19th.

The operation went for about an hour. They gave me a general anesthesia but made me sleep before they injected it on my spine. From my waist to my feet, their numb for two hours after the surgery coz of the anesthesia. I was advised to stay confined for three days but I got fever with overflowing sweaty nights the days after. And then there it was my attending physician was no longer the surgeon but my Infectious Disease doctor. I was treated with anti-soar meds for seven days until my fever went down to 37.5 degrees and I was discharged. They informed my company about what happened and I was approved for a Leave Without Pay case. I rested with my family in Pampanga while recovering from the operation but just days after my discharge, the fever regularly comes back. Only I and my sister knows my real case. My mom and other siblings took me to as many as 3 “albularyos” to “cure” my fever but none of them succeeded. Until I went so weak and so pale that my Infectious Disease doctor from St. Luke’s referred me to her colleague here in Pampanga. We went to his clinic and the moment he knew my case, he instructed me to get myself confined in a near-by hospital.

The Adversity

The most difficult and challenging part of my life was during my confinement at JBL Hospital. I’ve undergone almost all kinds of laboratory test. My weight went down to 43kg. I had three blood transfusion because I was diagnosed of anemia. Then they are eager to take away all the infectious bacteria by giving me strong doses of anti-biotics like augmentin, co-amoxicalav and very expensive ones. I also had been through the eye-blinding check-up just to find out my eye’s were saved from infection. The scariest part was when my heart stopped beating twice. I had also bid goodbye to my friends and relative coz I felt like I can no longer make it. I have prayed and confessed all my misdeeds and asked for HIS forgiveness.

My heart crushed when my mom knew about my real case. She cried one whole night and went to many churches and prayed for nine consecutive days. My friend’s families requested a pray-over in their chapels for my fast healing. Many colleagues from my former and current company visited me in the ICU. I even remember one nurse told me that I am more than a celebrity because of the many Manilanian visitors who brings food from my favorite restaurants. They also gave us financial aid to cover my expensive anti-biotics.

The Healing

I started taking my ARV’s in February 29th when my lab results showed no more signs of opportunistic infections. My CD4 count in January is 127. My sister estimated that during my confinement in JBL my CD4 went down below 100. I was discharged March 5, 2012.

Only few weeks after my discharge, my hemoglobin count went down from 90 to 80. I needed to be admitted on a nearby private hospital and have a blood transfusion. I was not at ease when close friends and classmates visited me not knowing my real condition. I had two bags of blood transfused within my veins. I even saw one FB friend which I am fond of and well, he’s a doctor in that hospital. After two days, I was discharges.

At home, in April and so on, my sister and sisters-in-law nursed me while I’m weak. I was literally weak. I can’t speak coz I get easily tired. I can’t move my hands and my legs. I can’t exert any effort. I can’t eat more than a spoon of food, I get acidic. Behind my back the neighbors are saying I only have until May to live. Many of my childhood friends and classmates visited me at home. All of them didn’t avoid to shed tears while seeing me bed-ridden, so skinny and dark skinned. I was a living skeleton. I still have my anal wound.

The Apprentice

While I was undergoing ARV treatment, my aunt from Cavite invited two friends she knew, who are faith-healers. At first I was hesitant to meet them coz I have a previous encounters with “albularyos”. Then she took them with her and they visited me in mid April. Tita Inday was the “main healer” as I call her and she have an assistant. She didn’t asked me anything about my condition. The only thing she asked was,”Do you believe that God can heal you?”. I’m not so religious but at that instance of course, I cried and said “Yes, I believe”. Then she started her healing process.

Tita Inday ask my sister to gather specific leaves from different trees. She boiled it and put some ammonia. The she asked me sit down and to covered myself, from head to toe with a blanket and she also put inside the boiling leaves. She asked me to inhale the vapor to the most that I can take it. The vapor is hot, it stings in my nostrils but I felt better. I felt like there’s no more phlegm in my lungs and indeed I felt better breathing. The next day before they left, she instructed my mom and my sister some herbal rituals for 39 days. They have to prepare me a drink consisting of a galss of pure ampalaya juice (literally the juice extracted from ampalaya leasves) with three calamansi and a teaspoon of sugar. I will drink it every morning for seven days with empty stomach then a glass of tomato juice everyday for 39 days or until needed.I did that and it’s really not good. But the good thing is, my hyperacidity went gone and my CBC count are remarkably getting to normal after 39 days. She also advised me to drink a glass of milk in the morning and before going to bed. The drink is prepared by putting three scoops of BirchTree powdered full cream milk, added with 2 freshly beaten organic egg and a spoon of sugar. So it’s like drinking a liquid leche-flan. I diligently obeyed and did the routine and for 39 days, I was able to move my hands and legs. I can breathe more comftably but not normal. Then I continued taking my ARVs, heart meds, and those herbal treatments.

The Miracle

On August 29, I had my sixth-month general check-up at St. Luke’s. The results were overwhelmingly unbelievable. My 2D Echo says that from a heart-muscle pumping capacity of 39% in April, it went back to normal of 57% (Normal range is 55%-77%) and even the nurse who compared the results wondered if the initial test is really accurate or if I am the same patient who undergone the test. My ECG, went back to normal, my hemoglobin increased from 80 to 110 remarkably and my other whole blood test stabilized. I also had my repeat CD4 test at San Lazaro SACCL and from 127 count it went up to 247 for only 8months (in which when I was in JBL it was estimated to be below 100). The doctor says, the double increase is not normal for HIV stage 4 patients who are under treatment. My Cardiologist was so impressed about my fast recovery. She even said that she should have taken a photo of me when I first came to her and now when I was “ok”. From 39kg in April I gained weight to 50kg end of August. From Nevirapine, LamiZido-vudine, Contrimoxazole, Izoniasid, Lanoxin, Vastarel, and Coralan to Nevirapine, LamiZido-vudine and Carvedilol now.

Since June, my Company let me work at home. They brought here all my office equipments and supplies. And they even gave back my regular salary and benefits. They are expecting me to be back in January 2013.

The Second Life

I consider this year as the greatest turning point of my life. At 25, I almost met death, but by faith and love, I’m still alive. I now consider each day as my last day on earth. I asked for forgiveness and mercy before I go to bed. I tried to do good every day I live. I now know how to love unconditionally. How to share everything generously and how to do all deeds with kindness. This is not my life anymore, it’s His. My dying wish and I pray, to see my mom and siblings blessed and thankful; to see my friends and colleagues and even acquaintances successful on their chosen paths, and to see that my name be remembered in good ways.

Please share my story. Thank you. If you need facts, please contact me at 091x xxx xxxx. (Pls keep this Number confidential)

Sincerely,

#28

P.S. As of today, November 20, 2012, I am 53kg. Hemoglobin of 120 will have my CD4 in March and 2D echo in February.

Not done yet.

I've been confined at the hospital since Wednesday. It's Sunday. I've been transfused with three bags of blood as of Friday morning, and in afternoon I found out I still need one more. That means we have to do the entire process of blood transporting and crossmatching all over again. I guess that means I'd stay here a few more days than expected... And more movies and tv series.

The Big Bang Theory, anyone?

HPV exam.

What's more embarassing than a doctor examining your arse? It's when five of them start peeking and poking at your arse trying to look for signs of HPV.

I don't know how HPV got written on my chart, but one of the doctors referred me to derma on reports of HPV. I'm clueless because to know if one has genital warts, you actually have to see the warts. I don't remember any doctor examining my privates, so how did it get reported?

The report said I had peri-anal warts. So they tried and tried to look for warts in an area of my body so private not even I have seen. It didn't end there. They also examined my other private part. After a careful and thorough search, they gave up and said I probably have none because if I have it, I would definitely know. Genital warts are supposedly hard, cauliflower-like growths that can easily be felt when cleaning.

Not that I'm complaining, it was about time somebody examined my privates for signs of anything, but they sure did it with a bang! :)

(For more info on HPV, you can check this article out.)

Na naman.

It's 730am, and I'm back at my favorite place on earth: RITM. Yeah, you guessed it right, I'm getting another blood transfusion.

I had a checkup yesterday and from 84 last week, my hemoglobin dropped again to 68. I also had my first shot of erythropoietein yesterday, the glycoprotein hormone that controls red blood cell production. I'll have it thrice a week.

I'm waiting for the doctor who will process my admission. Stay tuned. :)

Meetup with a balikbayan friend.

I've been regularly meeting up with people I've become friends with online, pozzies and otherwise. Last friday, I've met up with a friend who was coming home from Abu Dhabi. He gave me pasalubongs: chocolates from the middle east, and a book entitled "Chicken Soup for the Unsinkable Soul".

Inside, I found a short hand-written message:

"Always strive to be happy."

Thank you very much, C. Having friends like you around me makes me happy. :)

Going down.

Yesterday I was back in RITM for a follow-up checkup. My CBC is down again to 84 from 97 post-BT.

I'll have another CBC next week. If the trend continues, I might need to see a hematologist, which RITM doesn't have.

Am I worried about my condition? No. S has gone through worse, and he's doing fine. I thank him for showing me that things will be ok. But what I am going through right now is very, very frustrating.

See you again next Monday, RITM.

How is HIV Transmitted? : Specific Sexual Practices: What are the Risks?

How is HIV Transmitted? : Specific Sexual Practices: What are the Risks?

Specific Sexual Practices: What are the Risks?

Studies have repeatedly demonstrated that certain sexual practices are associated with a higher risk of HIV transmission than others.

Vaginal Intercourse:

Unprotected vaginal intercourse is the most common mode of HIV infection worldwide. In the United States and many other developed nations, it is the second most common mode of sexual HIV transmission (after anal intercourse among MSM).

At least five European and American studies have consistently demonstrated that male-to-female HIV transmission during vaginal intercourse is significantly more likely than female-to-male HIV transmission. In other words, HIV-positive men are much more likely to transmit the virus to HIV-negative women through vaginal intercourse than HIV-positive women are to HIV-negative men.

There are a few reasons for this. First, there are more men than women in the United States infected with HIV, meaning that it's much more likely for a female to have sex with an HIV-positive male than for a male to have sex with an HIV-positive female. Second, women have a much larger surface area of mucosal tissue – the lining of the vagina and cervix that can chafe easily and are rich in immune system cells that can be infected by HIV – than men. For men, HIV must enter through a cut or abrasion on the penis, through the lining of the urethra inside the penis.

There has been some research suggesting that men who are uncircumcised have a higher risk of becoming infected with HIV or transmitting the virus if they are already HIV positive. However, it is important to stress that men who are circumcised can still be infected (or transmit the virus) if condoms are not used for vaginal sex.

Men or women who have ulcerative sexually transmitted infections (STIs), such as genital herpes or syphilis, are more likely to spread the virus if they are HIV positive or to become infected with the virus if they are HIV negative.

Anal Intercourse:

Being the receptive partner – the "bottom" – during unprotected anal intercourse is linked to a high risk of HIV infection. The reason for this is that HIV-infected semen can come into contact with mucosal tissues in the anus that can be damaged easily during anal intercourse. And the risk of HIV transmission isn't necessarily reduced if the "top" pulls out before ejaculation – studies have demonstrated that pre-ejaculate (pre-cum) can contain high amounts of HIV and can result in transmission during anal intercourse.

It's important to note that both MSM and heterosexuals have anal intercourse. Many heterosexuals report that it is a pleasurable form of intimacy that eliminates the risk of pregnancy. However, it is still associated with a high risk of HIV infection, if condoms are not used and the insertive partner's HIV status is either positive or not known.

Is the insertive partner (the "top") also at risk during unprotected anal intercourse? At least eight studies conducted over the years were unable to demonstrate a clear link between insertive anal sex and a risk for HIV infection among MSM. However, these studies should not be interpreted to mean that being the top during anal intercourse – and not using a condom – is without risk. We know that men can be infected with HIV through vaginal intercourse – an activity in which they are the insertive partner. Based on this knowledge, it is also believed that the insertive partner during unprotected anal intercourse can also be infected with HIV. Studies, using mathematical estimates, suggest that unprotected insertive anal sex is roughly four to 14 times less risky than unprotected receptive anal sex. However, experts still believe that the risk for transmission is noteworthy.

Penile-Oral Sex

Of the different sex acts, the one that often causes the greatest amount of confusion in terms of risk – and raises the greatest number of questions – is penile-oral sex. The fact is, most experts agree that fellatio, sometimes referred to as "blow jobs," is not an efficient route of HIV transmission. However, this does not mean that it cannot happen.

Research attempting to evaluate the risk of fellatio has often faced important limitations. For starters, very few people participating in studies only engaged in penile-oral sex. Many people also had unprotected vaginal or anal intercourse, making it very difficult to determine if unprotected fellatio is an "independent factor" associated with HIV transmission. There are also people who test positive for HIV and claim that unprotected fellatio was their only risky behavior. However, it's virtually impossible to know if these people are always reporting their sexual behavior accurately. (Study volunteers often have a difficult time admitting the truth about potentially embarrassing behavior to healthcare professionals conducting scientific studies.)

Because unprotected fellatio can mean that body fluids from one person can (and do) come into contact with the mucosal tissues or open cuts, sores, or breaks in the skin of another person, there is a "theoretical risk" of HIV transmission. "Theoretical risk" means that passing an infection from one person to another is considered possible, even though there haven't been any (or only a few) documented cases. This term can be used to differentiate from documented risks. Having unprotected receptive anal or vaginal intercourse with an HIV-positive partner is a documented risk, as they have been shown in numerous studies to be an independent risk factor for HIV infection. Having unprotected oral sex is a theoretical risk, as it is considered possible, but has never been shown to be an independent risk factor for HIV infection in studies.

Here's a good way to think about theoretical risk: In theory, it is possible that while walking down the street, a meteor will fall on your head and kill you instantly. This is because meteors do occasionally fall to earth. People live their lives above ground, so there is a theoretical risk of being hit be a meteor. In fact, there have been reports of a few people being hit by meteors. But because the risk is so small, given that few meteors fall to earth and the large number of inhabitants of this planet, the risk is purely theoretical. The same principle holds true with oral sex – millions of people all over the world are believed to engage in unprotected oral sex and there have only been a handful of documented cases of HIV transmission. In turn, fellatio, and other types of oral sex (see below), remains a theoretical risk for HIV infection.

There have been a number of studies that have closely followed MSM and heterosexual couples, in which one partner was HIV positive and the other partner was HIV negative. In all of the studies, couples that used condoms consistently and correctly during every experience of vaginal or anal sex – but didn't use condoms during oral sex – did not see HIV spread from the HIV positive partner to the HIV negative partner.

There have been three case reports and a few studies suggesting that some people have been infected with HIV as a result of unprotected oral sex. However, these case reports and studies all involved MSM – men who were the receptive partners (the person doing the "sucking") during unprotected oral sex with another HIV-positive man. There haven't been any case reports or studies documenting HIV infection among female receptive partners during unprotected oral sex. Even more importantly, there hasn't been a single documented case of HIV transmission to an insertive partner (the person being "sucked") during unprotected oral sex, either among MSM or heterosexuals.

Is insertive oral sex a possible route of HIV transmission? Yes. But is it a documented risk? Absolutely not.

Oral-Vaginal Sex

Like the study of fellatio, evaluating the risk of unprotected oral-vaginal sex (cunnilingus) is difficult, given that most people surveyed in studies did not avoid other types of unsafe sexual activity. However, there have been case reports highlighting one case of female-to-female transmission of HIV via cunnilingus and another case of female-to-male transmission of HIV via cunnilingus. Both of these cases involved transmission from receptive partner (the one receiving oral sex) to the insertive partner (the one performing oral sex). There haven't been any documented cases of HIV transmission from the insertive partner to the receptive partner.

Oral-Anal Sex

Oral-anal sex is often referred to as analingus. Analingus, or "rimming," is not considered to be an independent risk factor for HIV. However, it has been shown to be a route of transmission for hepatitis A and B, as well as parasitic infections like giardiasis and amebiasis.

Digital-Anal or Digital-Vaginal Sex

Digital-anal or digital-vaginal sex is the clinical term for "fingering" either the anus or the female genitals (including the vagina). While it is theoretically possible that someone who has an open cut or fresh abrasion on his or her finger or hand can be infected with HIV if coming into contact with blood in the anus or vagina or vaginal secretions, there has never been a documented case of HIV transmission via fingering.

Source: http://www.aidsmeds.com

Treatment News : Possible Cure in Protein That Starves HIV of Needed Building Blocks

Treatment News : Possible Cure in Protein That Starves HIV of Needed Building Blocks

Possible Cure in Protein That Starves HIV of Needed Building Blocks

Focusing on a protein called SAMHD1, a team of researchers believes it has stumbled upon the mechanism in which some immune system cells keep HIV from hijacking their cellular machinery to produce new virus. The findings, published online ahead of print by the journal Nature Immunology, pave the way for novel methods to treat—and potentially cure—HIV infection.

SAMHD1, the international team of scientists explains, is found in white blood cells known as macrophages and related cells known as dendritic cells. Building upon research published last year, demonstrating that SAMHD1 makes it difficult for HIV to infect macrophages, the scientists have helped close the knowledge gap with the discovery that the protein cuts off the supply line of deoxyribonucleotide triphosphate (dNTP)—the building blocks of DNA—which HIV needs to re-create its genetic contents.

When a virus, like HIV, infects a cell, it hijacks the cell’s dNTP. Once the virus replicates, the resulting DNA molecule contains all the genes of the virus and instructs the cell to make more virus.

SAMHD1, the researchers found, protects the cell from viruses by destroying the pool of dNTPs, leaving the virus without any building blocks to make its genetic information, a process known as nucleotide pool depletion.

“SAMHD1 essentially starves the virus,” explained Nathaniel Landau, PhD, a professor of microbiology at New York University School of Medicine and a lead author of the Nature Immunology paper in an accompanying news announcement. “The virus enters the cell, and then nothing happens. It has nothing to build and replicate with, so no DNA is made.”

As a result, the most common form of HIV—HIV-1—does not readily infect these cells. Instead, the virus has evolved to replicate mainly in CD4 cells, which do not contain SAMHD1 and therefore have a healthy pool of dNTPs.

The virus, the researchers suggest, may have evolved in such a way that it deliberately avoids trying to infect immune cells that have SAMHD1, in order to avoid alerting the greater immune system to activate a variety of antiviral mechanisms to attack the virus.

The team also discovered how a protein in the other form of HIV—HIV-2, which is found mainly in Africa—knocks out SAMHD1. They found that the protein Vpx destroys SAMHD1, clearing the way for HIV-2 to infect macrophages. While scientists have known that HIV-2 needs Vpx to infect macrophages, they hadn’t known precisely why.

Interestingly, while one might think that a virus that is able to replicate itself in crucial cells like macrophages might be more dangerous than one that cannot, that’s not the case with HIV. The researchers note that HIV-2 is generally actually less virulent than HIV-1.

One possible explanation for this is that, like a starving man who becomes increasingly desperate for food, HIV-2—when faced with a shortage of raw materials—puts its mutation capabilities into overdrive, creating the Vpx proteins necessary to circumvent the pathway blocked by SAMHD1.

“Viruses are remarkably clever about evading our immune defenses,” Landau said. “They can evolve quickly and have developed ways to get around the systems we naturally have in place to protect us. It’s a bit of evolutionary warfare, and the viruses, unfortunately, usually win. We want to understand how the enemy fights so that we can outsmart it in the end.”

Understanding the mechanism by which SAMHD1 protects cells may provide a new idea about how to stop or slow the virus’s ability to spread, the researchers explained. Potential future research efforts, for example, might focus on finding a way to increase the amount of SAMHD1 in cells where it does not exist, such as CD4 cells, or to reduce the amount of dNTPs in cells vulnerable to infection.

This could potentially force HIV to remain dormant in all immune system cell lines, unable to replicate—another functional cure strategy.

“Over the past few years, a number of these natural resistance mechanisms have been identified, specifically in HIV,” Landau sad. “This is a very exciting time in HIV research. Many of the virus’s secrets are being revealed through molecular biology, and we’re learning a tremendous amount about how our immune system works through the study of HIV.”

Source: http://www.poz.com

You're invited!

No it's not a party. You're invited to share what you think!

I realized many people share the same concerns and have more or less the same questions in mind. So why not share what you have in mind and I'll post it in my blog for everyone to read!

If you have any questions, opinion, suggestion, or a story to tell, you can send them to me through my email address:

hivplus4plus@gmail.com

I will publish your email and my response by default, but should you wish your question not be published, please tell me ahead. Emails will be published anonymously.

So what are you waiting for? Shoot that email! :)

Can I exercise?

I'm bored. I've been stuck at home, in the hospital and back home for more than three weeks now. I'm a very active person and I'm itching to do something physical.

So I texted my doctor: Can I go back to the gym to do some light exercises? His answer, as expected, was a no. He also said I need a follow-up CBC.

...

Yes, doc!

Going home.

After finishing my blood transfusion on Thursday evening, I had a my blood extracted again on Friday morning for a few tests which include CBC. From 67, my hemoglobin increased to 97. Still way below the normal range, but enough for me to regain some color. I feel stronger as well.

The doctor gave me calcium gluconate intravenously around mid-day to counter the effect of preservatives added to the blood I received. She told me and my parents that they are still studying the lab results and trying to find out the next steps to take. She did mention that a bone marrow biopsy is a possible last resort. So I guess I have to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for that.

The rest of the day was pretty much another waiting game. My parents called for my youngest brother to accompany me so that they can go home.

My youngest brother arrived around 8pm. He got lost. Haha. My parents were already about to leave when the nurse stepped in and told us I'm ready to be discharged in the morning. Yey!

She took away my IV fluid, and after pulling off the needle, I was amazed after I saw how big it was. No wonder they had a hard time looking for a suitable vein the other night!

It's Saturday morning. Today, we need to get hospital clearances signed off. And pay the bills. My brother will take care of that but he's still sleeping.

After spending five evenings at RITM. I'm finally going home. But I won't be gone for long -- I'll be here again next week for another checkup.

Pumping new life into the bloodstream.

It was early morning Wednesday when I was waken by the nurse to tell me that the blood matching was completed and that the blood is ready for pickup. Again, he told us to hurry because the cut-off is at 12 noon.

So I called my parents up, who at that time were already preparing to go to the hospital, and told them the news. By 10am my parents were here. After a few minutes of freshening up, my dad picked up the request from the medical lab and went straight to DOH Tayuman. My mom stayed behind.

While my mom and I were talking, a visitor entered the room and caught me by surprise. Let's call him M. He is a friend I've been talking to online for quite a while now, and a fellow RITM patient. I was surprised because I completely forgot he was visiting. After saying hi's and hello's, M handed me a box of cranberry juice. And then said, "Magpapa-flu vaccine lang ako sa baba." My mom overheard. I panicked, I'll be busted. She asked my if the guy was a friend from college, I told her he was a friend visiting because he lives nearby. And my mom asked no more.

(To M, if you're reading this, I'm very sorry if I was not a very good host to you... I'll make it up to you when I'm better. And thank you very much for the cranberry juice!)

I immediately texted S, my dear friend who was also confined at RITM also for anemia (know more about S in my blog entry "False alarm!"). He was also at RITM for a checkup and asked him not to visit me while my parents were with me. Minutes after, someone knocked at the door, and guess who it was? Handsome S, wearing a face mask.

I introduced him to my mom and this time, I acted coolly. We had a few minutes of chit chat when S looked at his phone and told me, "Ngayon ko lang nabasa." Haha! He immediately excused himself.

(To S, if you're reading this, thank you for the visit. It's a pleasure as always, I'll see you paglabas ko dito.)

After S has left, my mom asked if he was working here. I told him no, he's just a visitor. I know something is already running through my mom's head, and I don't think she's buying my alibis anymore.

Around 1pm, my younger brother arrived. He is a registered nurse, albeit non-practicing. He will accompany me for the next two evenings.

At 2:30pm, my dad arrived with the blood, three bags in total, and handed them over to the medical lab. The medical lab will have to prepare the blood first before it can be transfused to me, and I was told it can take a while.

At around 5:30pm, my parents decided to leave. While they were preparing to leave, S popped his head into the room to say goodbye. After he left, my dad said, "Bakit sya naka-mask? May sakit ba sya?" All these naive questions are really making me feel uneasy. If this continues, I'll be busted soon. I told him this is an infectious disease hospital, baka nag-iingat lang.

My parents left a while after and I was left with my brother, who was obviously bored. He only had my laptop to keep him company. Good thing Sun Wireless Broadband was fast in this area. He was streaming movies after movies, occasionally stopping to buy medical supplies needed for my blood transfusion.

At around 12 midnight, I was informed that the blood was ready for transfusion. At around 1am, my nightmare started. They couldn't find a suitable vein to to stick the IV needle. They said I was dehydrated. Three different nurses, five unsuccessful attempts. Both my hands were full of cotton balls, and after a quick glance at the mirror, I swear I looked as pale as a ghost.

It was Doc Mark who successfully stuck a the needle in on the 6th attempt. I thanked him big time.

It was 4am on Thursday when blood started pumping through my veins. After sixteen hours, and three bags of blood, my lips were rosy again.

The blood(y) process.

I had the opportunity to ask the lab technician about the process of getting replacement blood while she was extracting blood samples from me on Tuesday morning.

She told me that after my blood is taken, it will be blood-typed and the staff at the medical lab will look for a suitable blood for me from various sources. I asked if I still need to look for a donor to replace the blood, she said no. She told me that there is an agreement with the bloodbank at DOH and RITM that replacement blood for HIV patients will be for free, and there is no need to replace them. Cool, another freebi! She said all we need to do is to wait for the lab to finish blood typing and if a suitable blood is available at the bloodbank, they will make a request and ask my parents to pick blood 'segments' from DOH Tayuman. The blood segments are basically a sample of the replacement blood stored in the bloodbank and it needs to be matched with my own blood before the entire bag is taken. So although the blood is free, acquiring it is tedious because my parents will have to make two trips from Alabang to Tayuman.

I explained this to my parents, and although free blood is more than welcome, it did prompt another question. Why is my blood free, while other patients they talked to at the hospital told them they bought theirs? I tried to evade the question by saying I don't know.

It's another waiting game on Tuesday afternoon and my parents got bored, so they left and went to nearby Festval Mall for a stroll. I can't blame them, there was nothing to do in my room, and we didn't know when the request will be available.

At 6pm, the nurse informed me that the lab has found a suitable blood for me, and my parents need to pick it up as soon as possible, before 10pm. I quickly called my parents and they were back in half an hour. After my dad got the request, I told him that a nurse informed me we can use the ambulance to transport the blood segment if the ambulance and a driver is available. So my dad asked the nurse station if it was possible. Out of good fortune, the ambulance was available and they agreed to help us transport the segments provided we fill the tank.

At 7:30pm, the ambulance left the hospital with my parents to get the blood segments at DOH in Tayuman. The ambulance was back before midnight, without my parents though. They decided to head back home and return the following morning. The blood segments were handed over to the medical lab to confirm if it is a match for me, and I will be informed as soon as possible if it is.

Meanwhile, I was transferred to a new room -- a much smaller room, with a single bed, with electric fan and its own comfort room.

Again, I slept alone.

(To be continued.)

Waiting for blood.

So here I am at RITM confined since Monday evening. It's now Wednesday afternoon. Allow me to tell you about my experiences so far.

The doctor told me I need to get admitted for blood transfusion around 5pm on Monday. Since I was half-expecting confinement, I already have an overnight bag with me and said ok.

I called my parents and told them that this time, I really have to undergo blood transfusion. But I told them there's no need to go to the hospital that night because there wasn't much to do, and the doctor said she won't put me on IV fluids yet.

So before I actually got admitted, I went to Festival Mall to buy myself some food to eat and toiletries. During my trip, a huge dilemma dawned upon me once more: is it time to tell my parents of my condition? I don't want to tell them because I don't want them to worry, and I didn't want to disappoint them. I want to tell them when I'm strong and normal, not when I'm confined at the hospital. But how can I hide it? The burden was so much, for the first time since finding out about my status, tears fell from my eyes. I felt stupid because tears were falling while I was doing my grocery, while paying at the cashier, ordering food and while having dinner. I guess I wasn't that strong after all.

So after doing my grocery, I went back to RITM. I was interviewed by the pretty doctor, Doc Sheena, who was very cool, and filled out all the forms needed for my admission. Unfortunately that night there was a scarcity of rooms, so they had to put me in a room that looks like it's never been used in a while, with no electric fan and no toilet. But I didn't complain because at least I was alone in the room.

I spent the evening alone. I wasn't able to sleep very well because of the heat, and they won't allow me to turn off the lights.

So far the only tests done with me are ECG and XRay, which were done before I got into the ward. I was instructed to fast so that they can extract blood in the morning and do some more tests.

At 7am, breakfast arrived: 1 piece of hotdog and a cup of rice, with no spoons nor forks. But I couldn't eat my breakfast yet because I'm fasting.

At 8am, it was time to take my ARVs, but I couldn't because my blood hasn't been extracted yet. So I followed up with the nurse. At 8:30am, staff from the clinical lab arrived and took my blood. Soon after the blood was taken, I took my anti-tb medication, isoniazid. After 30mins, I took my breakfast, barehanded, which I found homey, and took my ARVs afterwards. I took my ARVs late for about an hour.

Nothing much happened the entire morning. Around lunch time, a poz friend I met online visited me. He was at RITM for consultation also. After lunch my parents arrived, so my friend had to leave.

The first question my mom popped was, "Anak, paano ka ba nakarating sa pagkalayo-layong ospital na 'to?"

I laughed. Haha. But deep inside, I was uneasy. I told her this is the only public hospital in Metro Manila that is not congested and cheap. I'm not sure if she bought my alibi, but she never asked me again. Whew.

(To be continued.)

Confined.

Yesterday I went back to RITM to check if my hemoglobin count has improved. Sad to say it didn't, and it dropped again to 67. The doctor told me I need to stay in the hospital for a blood transfusion and other tests. Good thing I came prepared, I already have my overnight bag with me.

I'm now confined at RITM. I've had my ecg and xray taken last night, and this morning I had my blood taken for matching. I'm staying in a big room which looks like a ward with many beds, but I'm alone, which is superb. My only complaint is the heat - there's not even an electric fan! But who am I to complain? I'm receiving a virtually free treatment afterall.

The doctors and the nurses are all very nice! I think I'd enjoy my stay here. :)

My meds and drug-induced anemia.

It's been almost two weeks since I confirmed that I am anemic, and my blood count history shows that it could be drug-induced.

I started taking anti-retroviral (ARV) drugs on July 31, 2012. I started trial on nevirapine (Nevipan) one tablet once a day, and lamivudine + zidovudine (Avacomb) combi twice daily for two weeks. I also started taking isoniazid and cotrimaxazole as prophylaxis for TB and pneumonia, respectively. Before I took the meds, I had a CBC, and my hemoglobin was 140.

After two weeks, I passed the trial period for nevirapine without experiencing the usual side effects. I was happy because most people I talked to were allergic to nevirapine, and I'm glad the first set of meds prescribed to me worked without causing any adverse side effects. So the doctor upped my nevirapine dosage to twice daily, and continued with the rest of my other meds.

After another two weeks, or one month after I started taking meds, I had another CBC. My hemoglobin count was lower at 130, but still ok. The nurse told me that the reason I need to take regular CBCs was to ensure my hemoglobin doesn't drop, because zidovudine is known to cause drug-induced anemia.

Fast forward: October 5, 2012. I went to RITM on an emergency case because I developed blisters on my body. I was also very pale. It's been a little more than two months since I started taking ARV drugs. The night before, I stopped taking my evening dose of nevirapine, because I thought the blisters might have been a side effect of nevirapine. But after seeing the doctors at RITM, I learned that what I had was not an allergic reaction to nevirapine, but herpes zoster, which was possibly caused by a combination of stress, and a weak immune system. Again, I was relieved because I didn't want to change my meds. I was afraid of taking efavirenz, which was the usual replacement for nevirapine.

I also took another CBC that day, and the result was alarming. From 130 just a month ago, my hemoglobin count dropped to 86. The doctor immediately removed zidovudine from my meds and replaced it with tenofivir once daily. He also asked me to take ferrous sulfate help combat anemia.

After 10 days, on October 15, I visited RITM for a checkup on my herpes zoster, which has already dried up, and to take another CBC. As I told in a previous blog entry, my hemoglobin count dropped further to 74. Apparently the effect of zidovudine takes time to wane. All I can do now is to rest, wait, and make sure I eat iron-rich food and take iron supplements to combat the anemia.

I'll be going to RITM again on monday for another CBC. Hopefully I hear good news.

False alarm!

Yesterday I went back to RITM (Research Institute for Tropical Medicine) for a follow-up consultation on two cases: first is for the shingles I contracted 2 weeks ago, and second is for my anemia. I arrived there at around 8:30AM, early because if I were to consult the dermatologist in the afternoon, I need to finish the CBC and HIV doctor consultation in the morning. That was the plan.

However, there was no dermatologist available yesterday, because all of them were in Boracay attending a conference. (These doctors sure know how to mix business with pleasure! :)

So I was left with consulting the doctor for my anemia. I had my blood taken at around 9am and I had to wait for a while before I could get the result. I saw the doctor at 10am and after showing her the already dried up blisters, she advised me to take vitamin B complex to help repair damaged nerve cells. She couldn't help me with my anemia until the lab results were in, so it meant that I had to see her again after lunch.

While waiting for the results, a good friend and fellow patient arrived. Let's call him S. S was confined in RITM for 7 days the week before, also for anemia. I was supposed to give him a visit the last time I was there, but since I had herpes zoster at that time, I couldn't.

He was there to complete some paper works related to his confinement, as well as to get a copy of his medical records. He will be seeing a hematologist at a different hospital to consult if there is an underlying condition that causes his hemoglobin count to continously drop: even after changing meds from zidovudine to stavudine to tenofivir, and after 20 bags of blood transfusion. I was listening to his story intently, because if worse came to worst, I might be in the same shoes as he is.

S is a very cheerful guy. I admire how he is able to keep a strong and positive disposition despite the uncertainty surrounding his condition. He's such an adorable guy!

Around lunch time, we got the result of my CBC. My hemoglobin count is 74. My previous count was 86. Two months ago, it was 130. How can this be? I was feeling a lot better now than I did the week before, it's been more than a week since I stopped taking zidovudine, and I've been resting the entire week. Why is my hemoglobin count still dropping?

Ate Ellen, the senior nurse at RITM ARG, suggested that I might need to get a blood transfusion asap. I panicked. My family doesn't know about my status. I left the house for a casual checkup, how would they react if I tell them I'm getting a blood transfusion all of a sudden?

A huge dilemma is in front of me: is it time to disclose to my family?

S knew what was running through my mind. During lunch, he told me I needed someone to look after me while I was getting the blood transfusion. For that reason I have to contact my family. But, he told me that there is no need to disclose my status to my family. He told me that RITM staff respect their patient's privacy, and they do not disclose their patient's status to anyone, not even to relatives. During the time he was confined there, his family knows that he was receiving treatment for anemia, and nothing more.

This encouraged me to call my family and tell them I might be getting a blood transfusion. But I told them prematurely. They were already preparing to go to RITM to bring my things, when the doctor came in after the lunch break. He told me that if I was feeling better, and I had no signs of anemia (such as shortness of breath, exhaustion, etc.), then I don't need a blood transfusion. Yet. He told me that I need to do another CBC for the next week and see if my hemoglobin count has improved or not.

So it was a false alarm after all! Of course I was happy, and S and the rest of the RITM staff were happy. But I feel bad for having given my family something to worry about. In the first place, that's the reason why I've kept my condition a secret from them all along: I don't want them to worry about me.

So I called my family and told them not to go to RITM anymore. My mom told me she will put ampalaya and chicken liver in the menu. It seems to me they're relieved that I'm not getting a blood transfusion anymore.

So I went home like nothing happened. Today, I had adobong atay ng manok with kamote sprouts for lunch, and had ginisang ampalaya for dinner.

The big news.

I left the testing center with questions unanswered. If I was negative, what caused my illness a few weeks ago. I was unconvinced about the result, and I was bent on taking another test after the three month window period has lapsed.

So, in the weeks that followed, I tried living a normal life. Only that, life didn't seem normal anymore.

As days passed, more symptoms presented themselves. I had recurring sore throat, I had oral infections,  I had sweaty (as in dripping wet sweaty) nights, and lost a lot of weight (from 74kg before I was infected, I was 67kg in March). I was no stranger to the symptoms of HIV infection: I've read them all. And I am absolutely convinced I have been infected.

Last week of March, the three-month window period has lapsed. It was time for me to get another test. I've been planning about the test when by some eerie coincidence, I got a series of text messages and missed calls from the guy I had sex with in December. He was asking, "Kelan ka nagkasakit? (When did you get sick?)" When I was able to respond, he told me a disturbing news: his former sex partner tested positive and asked him to get tested. He said he's been crying a lot and was afraid. I consoled him and told him that we should get tested immediately the following day.

So we did. I went to Manila Social Hygiene Clinic, and he went to a private clinic in Makati. The doctor recognized me and asked, "Dati ka na di ba?". Haha. Yes, Doc. I reminded here that I got tested in January, I was non-reactive, but would like to undergo another test to confirm.

It was difficult to explain how I was feeling that day. The symptoms I experienced, the bareback sex, and the news about another guy testing positive: the signs were all too compelling for me to be too hopeful.

After the doctor came back with the result, the look on her worried face gave me broke the news to me even before she opened her mouth. And then she said it, "Reactive ka na."

Others would have cried after hearing that. Believe it or not, I felt a sign of relief -- I got confirmation of something that I already knew all along. It doesn't mean I didn't feel sad. I did. A little maybe.

The doctor later on told me that they will send my blood to San Lazaro for a confirmatory test and that it will take three weeks for the result to come in. I asked her what are the chances it will turn out false positive. She said the possibility is slim, because I was high risk.

I told the guy about my result. He said, his was the same. He said sorry. I told him no need to say sorry, we're both victims of this disease. I never felt anger. At the end of the day, it was also my fault for not properly protecting myself. He didn't force me to have bareback sex. I agreed to it.

So I went home, feeling a little lonely, with a lot of questions in my mind. What will happen to me? My career? My family? Will I die soon? Will I need to stop working? Should I tell my family? Who do I tell? Where do I find treatment?

I arrived home still confused, but I pretended to smile. I went to my room and slept.

The following day, I felt better. It's like waking up to a new life.

The signs.

Life went on as usual after that casual encounter. As it was nearing Christmas, I was busy. Everyday, there are activities going around to fill your day. I went out to dinner with friends almost every night. I accepted invitations to run a few rounds at a local university campus. I still went to the gym regularly, although I didn't see him in the days that went by. He wasn't a regular of that gym after all.

It has been ten days since that casual encounter. With everything going on around, I got a bit tired and needed to relax. So I went to a spa with a friend. After the massage, I went home and slept. The following morning, I woke up not feeling well. I'm having fever, and my body is aching all over. Had I stretched my body too much? I have been running three consecutive days before that, and been going to the gym regularly. I must be tired, and I feel tired. So I rested the whole day, hoping that I'd feel better in the afternoon. But the fever didn't go away.

I started taking ibuprofen and paracetamol for the the muscle pain and fever, but they didn't seem to work. The fever would go away for a while and come back again, and my muscles are sore. When my lymph nodes began to swell, I knew something was not right. I have an infection.

Five straight days I had non-stop fever, aching muscle, diarrhoea, sore throat and swollen lymph nodes. I've never been this sick before, and at the back of my mind I look back at that bare encounter and ask myself, could this be it?

After the fever has subsided I went to the doctor for a checkup. I wanted to know what was happening to me. Dengue fever was in season, and I was actually hoping that it's what I have. After a series of tests, my doctor couldn't tell. She just told me it could be flu that will go away on its own.

I did get better as the days passed. My muscles weren't sore anymore, and I had no more fever, but my lymph nodes were still swollen. I also developed rashes that looked like insect bites and when I showed it to my doctor, she said it's not how Dengue fever rashes looked like.

Since the doctor couldn't tell what my illness was, I decided to get an HIV test. I had it at the Manila Social Hygiene Clinic in Quiricada St., Manila, just in front of the San Lazaro Hospital. This isn't my first time to get tested so I wasn't afraid. I already knew the procedure and I knew what to expect. I knew that there will be a pre-extraction counselling, and post-extraction counselling. The doctor who talked to me was very motherly and she talked to me very casually. She made sure I felt comfortable. I talked about the casual encounter just a few weeks ago, and the illness I had after. She told me that the result might not be accurate this early after the last encounter, and she suggested I have another test after a three-month window period should I test negative.

After the pre-counselling session, she referred me to the lab to get my blood extracted. The lab was just one level below the counselling room, and it was over within a minute. So I went back to the counselling area and waited there. After fifteen minutes, the doctor called me and showed me the result: non-reactive.

There was a sigh of relief. But I knew I couldn't be certain until I had another test after the three month window period has passed.

On the way home, I called him up. I told him about the test and encouraged him to take it as well. He didn't take my suggestion well. He said, I was non-reactive, so why should he take it? He's not feeling sick after all.

Being the diplomatic person I was, I didn't force him to do it. So I went home, still uncertain, with so many questions in mind. But if there is one thing that I was certain of that day, I was certain that I was not HIV-positive, not yet.

How it all started.

I've been receiving the same messages in Planet Romeo about how I got this. Please allow me to tell you a story that all started at the gym...

I am a gym junkie, at least I was. I go to one of the big gym chains in Metro Manila. I am not hardcore, and I don't have bulging muscles, but I workout almost everyday, and I've built my body just enough to get noticed.

I usually workout in the late afternoons to early evenings for about an hour and a half, hit the sauna for 5-10 minutes, take a shower and go home. That's my routine. But...

As gay gym-goers know, the gym is a huge cruising place. Cruising starts at the training area and ends in the sauna. I am no stranger to that, and I get hit on a few times (okay, more than a few times). I am usually inattentive to flirtations, unless you actually get my attention. I've had my fair share of gym encounters. I am human after all and I fall to temptations.

One day, near the end of my workout I noticed this guy entering the gym. I've already talked to this guy once before in the sauna. Back then, I already knew he was trying to flirt with me. But nothing happened, I guess I wasn't in the mood. So we said our casual hi's and hello's and I continued with my workout. I saw him get started with his workout, but since I was almost done when he arrived, I hit the locker room not long after and hit the sauna. I was just getting comfy in the sauna alone, when unsurprisingly he enters and joined me. We had a decent chat, and nothing untoward happened, so I entertained him. We actually had a good chat, so good that when he invited me out for a drink, I said yes.

We went to a restaurant serving beer just near the gym. There we continued to talk about stuff, and drank some more, and talked again, and drank some more until we were drunk and we were talking about sex. Past midnight, I told him I can't drink anymore and call it a night and he asked if I can go home drunk. (Ah... I knew where that line was going...) Then he politely asked if he can bring me to a hotel just a walking distance from the restaurant where I can rest until I'm sober enough to go home. (Yeah right...). I knew it was coming, I couldn't go home anyways, so I agreed. And I'll be honest, I was horny that night as well, so the possibility of having sex is more than welcome.

So we checked in, took a shower, and hit the bed in our undergarments. A few minutes later, we started feeling each other. Then passionately kissing each other. And we went further... unprotected, unsafe. All my reservations, gone, thanks to a few bottles of beer.

I went home the following morning. We kept in touch through text and I went on with daily routine. Everything was normal until the 11th day.

(To be continued.)

Tingling shingles.

So I was at RITM yesterday, and it's confirmed that I have Herpes Zoster or 'Shingles'.

Herpes Zoster is caused by the varicella zoster virus, the same virus that causes chicken pox. After talking to doctors and doing my own research, I learned that after chicken pox is healed, the virus is never fully eliminated from the body. It hides in nerve cells and enters a latent state, and only reactivates when the person is immunocompromised, such as when taking immune suppressants, going through psychological stress, or when having immune system disorders like HIV.

Since the virus is the same as chicken pox, it is contagious to those who never had chicken pox before, or to those whose immune systems are compromised (if you have shingles, stay away from children, pregnant women, elderly persons, or any persons with weak immune system.) Shingles cannot be transferred to persons with a healthy immune sytem who already have had chicken pox before.

According to doctors, it takes 2-3 weeks for shingle blisters to heal. But the pain could remain for up to six months.

Wikipedia - Herpes Zoster

I'm back!

I was meaning to start this blog months ago to give a detailed account of how I'm coping with HIV. Unfortunately due to time constraints, I haven't had the time to update this blog.

Anyway, The reason why I have time now is because I took time off from work, which needless to say caused me undue stress. I shouldn't have forced myself to go back in the first place! Now my body feels tired all the time, I have rashes that might be herpes zoster or drug allergy, and I might be suffering from anemia.

I'm seeing the doctor today. I promise I'll follow every instruction to the dot.

Maiden Post

I am here to tell you my story: the story of a discreet gay man who recently got diagnosed of HIV. I will let you have a peek of what's going through my mind, and show you the perspective of a person adjusting to a new life.

Read on. Let me tell you how it all began...