A look back at 2013.

Another year is nearing its end, and a new one is about to begin. It's the time when we look back at the past to reminisce and ponder on the what-has and what-has-nots, and look forward to the future filled with hope, aspirations and excitement.

This year is one year I will never forget. Whereas 2012 is a year of struggles and uncertainties, I will remember 2013 as the year I fought the battle with HIV... and won. The war may be far from over, and I know there are still more battles to come, but this year, I proved to myself, and to everyone, that there is life after HIV diagnosis. A better life.

Career. After I got diagnosed, the first question that popped into my mind was, "Pano na yung trabaho ko?" I am an OFW, working in a country that bans PLHIV, and I am the breadwinner of the family. I cannot lose my job! That time, I had a lot of fear, and a lot of questions ran in my mind: Should I disclose to my employer? Should I resign before they find out? How would I travel with my ARVs? What if they find out? But soon after, as I went through my daily life, I realized all those fear were just products of my paranoia - similar fear i experienced before i got tested.

I was on indefinite medical leave for 6 months - with pay. Other companies will waste no time firing you on medical grounds if you go on leave for that long, but the company I was working for was very compassionate. My boss was not asking too many questions, and he didn't pressure me on going back to work unless I'm ready.

I'm very thankful just for being able to keep my job, but God showered me with blessings. This year alone, I got several pay raise, and my workload has also gone down a bit. I am also given more vacations back home, which means I get more time to relax. My CD4 are happy!

Lovelife. I think I've written enough about my lovelife in this blog and on twitter that I'm beginning to sound cheesy! My year started out on a sad note with my breakup with J, but it ended with a bang with S.

J and I are now good friends. Just last night, S and I had dinner with him and his new boyfriend, who is also a good friend of mine, along with R and his boyfriend. I don't feel any grudge towards J for what happened between the two of us, and it's a fact of life that relationships start and end. He will always have a special place in my heart, for being there during the time I needed someone the most. I am also thankful to him, because my short-lived relationship with him was the catalyst to the development of my relationship with S.

S and I are now going stronger. We're bestfriends and lovers put together. We supported each other when we were both suffering from anemia. He was my best friend and confidant when I was still seeing J, and after J and I broke up, my relationship with S moved up to another level.

Our relationship is not perfect. We argued a lot. We've broken up countless times. When we officially became a couple, we broke up the following day, making it the shortest relationship I've had. EVER! We argued so much that one time, we even blocked each other from social media.

S and I may have our differences, and we may argue a lot, but these only make our relationship grow stronger. When we argue, we get to know each other a little better. Only when we know each other do we understand each other, and only when we understand each other that we learn to compromise.

To S, you are God's blessing to me. I love you.

Friends. This year, I met a lot of friends. Many I met at RITM, and many more through twitter and PR.

Worth mentioning is R. He is quiet and is the perfect representation of what a lurker on twitter is like. But he's always there when S and I need a friend. When S and I argue, he's the first person we go to. When S and I blocked each other on social media, he mediated so we can talk and make up. To R, you know who you are. Thank you for being the best friend for S and I. You are the best! We love you!

Another worth mentioning is D. I met him through PR, but he's also in twitter now. I still haven't introduced him to S, because he is still uncomfortable coming out. He is a very good listener and I can tell him things I wouldn't normally tell another person. To D, thanks for the friendship and more years to come!

Also worth mentioning are friends who visited me during my confinement in January this year: blogger/doctor K and chef/nurse JR. We may not be in touch as often as we would like, but you guys are some of my closest poz friends!

Of course, I won't forget my friends at RITM: Dr. Pasayan, Ate Ellen, Nurse Roldan and Mon and his mom!

Health. I've never felt healthier! My body hasn't gone back to it's old form, but hey, I haven't been working out as much either. My annual checkup last June revealed that my hemoglobin is back to within normal range, as well as my serum creatinine, xray and sputum. My CD4 count can still be improved at 224, but the best news is that my viral load is now considered undetectable! Yey!

I thank God for the gift of love, wealth, friendships and health. When I thought I was about to lose everything, You gave it back to me tenfold. I give all these back to You. May You guide me to become a better person, a better son, a better brother, a better friend, and a better lover. All in the glory of Your Name.

The Story of S and I.

August 24, 2012. I was on trial for nevirapine for almost 4 weeks then, and I had to go back to RITM for a refill before my meds ran out, and to get my first-month CBC required for those taking zidovudine.

It was a Friday. I knew there will be a lot of people in RITM so I went there early. When I arrived, I got my number, had my CBC request form stamped with OHAT (to get it done for free), and went straight to the clinical lab for blood extraction.

It was a waiting game after that. I had to wait for the result of the CBC before I could see a doctor and get a prescription. It wasn't my first time in RITM, so I knew that it's likely for me to stay there the entire day, and I was mentally prepared to wait.

That time, ARG was still in one of the rooms at the basement of the building at the back. We were supposed to wait there until our number was called. Perhaps out of boredom, I left ARG and went up to the consultation clinic to follow up on the result of my CBC. I was walking along the corridor when a guy standing in the corner in front of the clinic caught my eyes. 

He was not easy to miss, it was a narrow corridor after all. In fact, it was more difficult NOT to notice him. He was wearing a bright yellow, bodyfit t-shirt, and he was using a white jacket to cover his hair and his neck like a scarf. But the jacket was not enough to cover his handsome face, and his tshirt hid little of his toned body and beautiful skin. What a turn on! He was a magnet to my eyes, until I realized that he was also looking at me! Being the snobbish person that I was, I quickly turned my gaze away from him and walked straight into the clinic. After I went out, he was no longer where he was standing, to my disappointment. I didn't see him  anywhere even after walking around and back to ARG, so I thought he might have already left. Haay, wala na si pogi.

So I went back to my business of waiting for my CBC result. Boredom kept me moving around. I couldn't stay long inside the ARG waiting area. I'm suplado, I admit, introverted and aloof, and I don't feel comfortable engaging in small talks.

So i went back, again, to the doctor's clinic to follow-up on my CBC. Unfortunately, it still wasn't in. I was about to go out when the door opened, to my surprise: si Pogi! We were right in front of each other, and our eyes met, but the suplado in me took over. I looked away, excused myself, and walked out the door. Torpe!

He went inside the clinic, and I sat down on the benches outside. I told myself I won't lose my sight of him anymore. So I waited. After sometime, I stood, right in front of the door, so that it's me he sees when he goes out.

While I was there, some guys tried to talk to me. I didn't want to be rude, so I entertained them. While I was talking to them, lumabas si Pogi! He saw me, yes, saw me busy chatting with others. Arrrgh! So he went past me and sat at a bench just between the cashier and the pharmacy.

I pretended to ignore him, but kept stealing quick glances. A few guys tried to talk to him where he sat, and he did talk back, but I noticed he was just being nice. I knew because the conversations were short and looked awkward. A few times, I caught him look at my direction, and I wondered, does he like me? I guess there's only one way to find out.

When the last guy talking to him left, I mustered all the kapal ng mukha, and sat beside him. I was very careful. Nahihiya akong madikit sa kanya, but I felt he was waiting for me to make a move.

It took me a few minutes to muster the courage to talk. "Hi, kanina ka pa?" That's how it started. I introduced myself and he told me his name. Let's call him S. We talked, and talked, and talked. I easily got comfortable with him. We talked about our condition, what we do, all the getting-to-know-you drill. And then I felt his arms touch mine. Skin to skin. ODK, we were flirting! I was surprised how fast things went, but I knew the attraction was mutual.

Then his cellphone beeped. He received a text message and as he replied, I knew from the way he texted that it was from someone special. Shet, mukhang taken. I thought, di bale, we can be friends. Besides, I was dating another guy that time. (Dating, yes, but I was still single then.)

We hung out together until I finally got my CBC result. It went down to 130 from 140, but it was still within normal range so I was given three-and-a-half months' refill for zidovudine, along with nevirapine and lamivudine.

I stayed with him even after I was finished. He was still waiting for a companion to finish his business in RITM and he told me I can hitch a ride with them to Alabang.

While waiting, we walked around and went outside, to the hallway going to the canteen. It was raining so we just stood near the steps, and there, the kulitan continued. We started to be touchy, but in a romantic way. It was going well, it felt good. I was happy.

His friend finished his business and went to where we were. Since it was raining, he drove his SUV and picked us up. S was in the passenger seat, while I took the backseat.

I found out that the guy he was with was involved with an NGO that helped pozzies like us, and that this NGO was assisting him. We talked casually during the ride, but the touchy-ness didn't stop. My hand reached for S, and his hands reached for mine. (Imagine this: he was seated in front, while I was at the back. I covered my arms with my backpack so that his friend wouldn't notice.)

It was only a quick ride, full of excitement and kilig. As much as I wanted the ride to last a bit longer, just so I could hold his hands some more, I had to get off in Alabang. They dropped me off in front of Starmall. I said my thanks to him and his friend, and told him I'd text him.

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That's how my friendship with S started - sa kulitan at landian. I knew at the very beginning it won't develop into something deeper, because he was already in a committed, long-term relationship, so I kept in touch with him without expectation. 

After the day we met, we would text only occasionaly. Casual kumustahan, casual good mornings and nyties. He doesn't text much, and few in words. But I already expected that, so I didn't stop. But I also tried not to sound too persuasive.

I guess the friendly texts worked because after a few days of trying, I was able to invite him to meet. (I just arrived from Baguio for a vacation then, and what I actually told him was that I brought him peanut brittles as pasalubong. Aaah, the convincing power of pasalubong! Works like a charm.)

We met at Cash and Carry in Makati. This was exactly 6 days after the first day we met. I have two containers of peanut brittle in my backpack, and waited in front of Mercury Drug. After a few minutes, he arrived - kilig na naman ako! He was wearing a ball cap, and was wearing it backwards, which gave him a boy-next-door look.

We strolled around the mall aimlessly, talking about ourselves and our situation. We talked about our meds. He described his pillbox. He talked about his room. He talked about where he lives. He talked and talked and I felt good just listening to him. I knew it, I like him.

We found our way to the foodcourt and decided to have our dinner there. I forgot what I ordered, but I still remember what he ordered: salmon. How can I forget? As soon as we finished dinner, he started to itch and his face reddened! He was allergic to salmon, and he probably didn't know! He decided to go home after that and was in such a hurry, we forgot about his peanut brittles!

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I left for abroad a few days after that "date" and I didn't manage to see him before I go. But we still kept in touch through whatsapp and facebook. But as usual, we only said casual how-are-you's. I was busy then, and he was, well, his usual tamad-magtext self.

I was away for about a month, when a medical emergency occured, forcing me to go home. I was developing blisters in my arms, and I thought it was nevirapine rashes and a call to Dra. Magayanes convinced me to have it checked.

My bosses were very understanding and allowed me to fly back home the following day. I told S about what happened to me, and he got worried. Then I found out he was confined in RITM, getting blood transfusion for anemia.

I visited RITM the following day after I arrived, not just to have my rashes checked, but also to visit S. Then I found out what I had wasn't nevirapine rashes - I had herpes zoster. I also found out, after a CBC, that I was dangerously anemic.

That's a turning point in my life, and perhaps the catalyst to which my friendship with S deepened. S and I were going through the same trials. (I first mentioned S in my blog entry, "False Alarm!")

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Our relationship has developed into something Friendster can only describe as "It's complicated!". We are not officially a couple, but we are. I love him very much, and I never thought I'd feel the same way again after I contracted this disease. I'd like to thank him for coming to my life, for giving me the inspiration I need, for making me laugh and for laughing at my sillyness, for being there when I need someone, for taking care of me, for bringing me to the hospital, for cooking me dinner, for the love, the hugs and kisses, for the understanding, for the honesty, for being my best friend and for being the partner everybody would be wishing for.

Today, he's back in the province. Wala na namang connection sa Internet. I miss him. I miss you. I'll be back home in a few weeks, and there is no one I'm dying to see more other than you.

Hello, Twitter!

I just realized I have so many things going on in my mind, random, spur of the moment thoughts that seem to lose their relevance the moment I start putting them into blog. My solution? Join Twitterverse, of course! There you can follow my journey through life in greater, HD-quality detail. And hey, it's easier to communicate there!

Follow me: @hivplus4plus

(Thanks to @health_worker5 for giving me the idea. It's how he meets new friends, and although I have already met a lot of great people here I now consider friends, I know there are more out there!)

Sad.

I feel sad. I guess no matter how positive your outlook in life is, depression can creep in through the tiniest of cracks left by undesirable circumstances.

It's been almost a month since J and I broke up. I tried to act cool about it, and truth is, we still see each other once in a while and remain friends. But when you go home to an empty apartment and sleep alone in a queen-sized bed, the loneliness is magnified to become as big as the void.

The past few weeks I've done nothing more than eat and sleep. Nothing seem to interest me. I meet a few people out, but nothing I do and no one I meet seem able to fill the emptiness.

S has been keeping me company ever since. We're like pseudo-partners. He's been more of a partner to me than J ever has, but at the same time, he is a partner I can never truly have. Now, he is far away. And for some reason he is not returning my texts. I confide everything to him, and now that he's nowhere near, I feel alone.

I told myself that I was given a second chance at life and I should not live it in anger or hate or sadness or fear or envy. I'm not angry, nor hateful, nor fearful, nor envious. But how how do you take away sadness?

Gaaahd, I just wanna get through this.

Celebration

Today, I celebrate. My hemoglobin is back within normal range at 143 and my direct Coombs Test is negative. I'm officially back to normal, anemia case closed. :)

I would like to thank EVERYONE who has been there for me during this most challenging period of my life.

To S: thank you for being there when no one else is. I cannot emphasize how much you have inspired me and how much I value our friendship.

To my primary doctor, Dr. Pasayan of RITM: Salamat sa pag-aalaga. I feel spoiled. As in. :)

To my hematologist Dra. Catli of PGH: thank you very much! You may not be able to read this but my deepest gratitude to you.

To Ate Ellen of RITM: the kindess and concern you show your patients is what makes you an institution. You're like a second mother to me na. :)

To the RITM nurses who took care of me the four times I got confined: I may not know all of your names, and some of you may no longer be with RITM, but you guys are the best!

To the RITM clinical lab: you know my code so well already. :) Thank you for the assistance in finding me blood.

To my online friends: thank you for the support, you gave me strength when i need it.

To those who visited me during my hospitalization: thank you, I really appreciate it! Sa mga nagdala ng pagkain, salamat! :)

To J: you saw me through my worst. You'll have me at my best. I'm the luckiest person to have you.

To my family: I know I've kept you in the dark and that pains me. Hopefully I'll find the courage to tell you soon. Thank you for all the love and support.

To the Lord: You've given me the most precious gift, the gift of good health. You are good, all the time. All praise to You!

March 1

Sorry for the long hiatus, I've been quite busy and was unable to update my blog. I've been doing well and my anemia has improved. My doctor has consulted with a hematologist and apparently the term for my condition is autoimmune hemolytic anemia (AIHA). I've been taking prednisone and it worked. More about AIHA on my next post.

My hemoglobin is 'almost' back to normal. Today, I will hit the gym after not lifting a single dumbell in 6months (the last time I was in the gym was in September). Wait for me, I'll bring sexy back.

Frustrated.

It's been three months since I stopped zidovudine but my anemia hasn't been resolved. I had another CBC last friday and my hemoglobin went down again to 63. Now I need another blood transfusion.

Why does my anemia persist despite having stopped zidovudine? Perhaps it's not zidovudine that caused my anemia? Could it have been co-trimoxazole? Or isoniazid? Or a combination of those meds?

It's frustrating me that the medicines that are supposed to keep me healthy are keeping sick. I'm treated for HIV and I get anemia in return. If I stop my prophylactic meds, I risk getting TB or pneumonia. Take one away and get something else. This is crap.

My only hope right now is to wait for my next CD4 test and hope that my CD4 count shoots up to a level where my body can defend itself against infections without prophylaxis. Until then, I need to continue with co-tri and INH.

Konting tiis pa.