The big news.

I left the testing center with questions unanswered. If I was negative, what caused my illness a few weeks ago. I was unconvinced about the result, and I was bent on taking another test after the three month window period has lapsed.

So, in the weeks that followed, I tried living a normal life. Only that, life didn't seem normal anymore.

As days passed, more symptoms presented themselves. I had recurring sore throat, I had oral infections,  I had sweaty (as in dripping wet sweaty) nights, and lost a lot of weight (from 74kg before I was infected, I was 67kg in March). I was no stranger to the symptoms of HIV infection: I've read them all. And I am absolutely convinced I have been infected.

Last week of March, the three-month window period has lapsed. It was time for me to get another test. I've been planning about the test when by some eerie coincidence, I got a series of text messages and missed calls from the guy I had sex with in December. He was asking, "Kelan ka nagkasakit? (When did you get sick?)" When I was able to respond, he told me a disturbing news: his former sex partner tested positive and asked him to get tested. He said he's been crying a lot and was afraid. I consoled him and told him that we should get tested immediately the following day.

So we did. I went to Manila Social Hygiene Clinic, and he went to a private clinic in Makati. The doctor recognized me and asked, "Dati ka na di ba?". Haha. Yes, Doc. I reminded here that I got tested in January, I was non-reactive, but would like to undergo another test to confirm.

It was difficult to explain how I was feeling that day. The symptoms I experienced, the bareback sex, and the news about another guy testing positive: the signs were all too compelling for me to be too hopeful.

After the doctor came back with the result, the look on her worried face gave me broke the news to me even before she opened her mouth. And then she said it, "Reactive ka na."

Others would have cried after hearing that. Believe it or not, I felt a sign of relief -- I got confirmation of something that I already knew all along. It doesn't mean I didn't feel sad. I did. A little maybe.

The doctor later on told me that they will send my blood to San Lazaro for a confirmatory test and that it will take three weeks for the result to come in. I asked her what are the chances it will turn out false positive. She said the possibility is slim, because I was high risk.

I told the guy about my result. He said, his was the same. He said sorry. I told him no need to say sorry, we're both victims of this disease. I never felt anger. At the end of the day, it was also my fault for not properly protecting myself. He didn't force me to have bareback sex. I agreed to it.

So I went home, feeling a little lonely, with a lot of questions in my mind. What will happen to me? My career? My family? Will I die soon? Will I need to stop working? Should I tell my family? Who do I tell? Where do I find treatment?

I arrived home still confused, but I pretended to smile. I went to my room and slept.

The following day, I felt better. It's like waking up to a new life.